I apologize.

You may notice the  previous post  missing  words. My computer died on me so I don’t know how to edit well on my ipad. Just fill in the blanks.

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Sigh.

I haven’t been writing much mostly because I don’t really have anything to say anymore. My social anxiety has gotten so bad that I started sweating on the elevator because it was too full. I never wanted to become this? I feel stuck and afraid. I never knew PTSD would eat away at my life like this. On top of everything okay yesterday may have been the scariest moment in my life. I have been on effexor for quite sometime now. It is known to cause seizures in those with a low seizure threshold one of those people happens to be me of course. Well my psychiatrist just recently increased my dose because I never had a problem with seizures on a lower dose. I also cant take Wellbutrin or tramadol. Found those out the hard just like I did with the higher dose of Effexor . I admit I was in pain the night before so i didn’t get proper rest. I went to meet my mom and my head felt the only way I can describe it is fuzzy like something was off chemically; I just knew something wasn’t right. I felt like I don’t know like the world had been tilted? I honestly can’t describe it. But anyway I thought this was due to missing my dose of Effexor. So when I got home I took it unfortunately on an empty stomach too. I had been playing these online slots on my ipad and the time was about I want to say 2:00 pm. Suddenly my vision went wrong I could only see a white light where usually is. I couldn’t see the screen and I was seeing a spinning rainbow this is a common aura for me regarding seizure awareness. But what happened scared me more than anything in my life and I’ve been through a lot. Suddenly my vision locked up on me like my brain froze or something but thoughts still thinking. I could feel it coming on but this time I was hearing voices that weren’t there they were saying sara you need to get to a hospital now! There were multiple voices and that has never happened to me before either. They were so real but nobody was here. For some reason right before I lost consciousness I stood up I have no idea why. I had never been this fully aware still before I drop. And I actually thought I was dying I am mot exaggerating I had never felt anything like that before my thoughts were so confused that I thought I saw my life flashing before my eyes I was having visions but I don’t know what they were. I had never experienced myself losing consciousness it really does feel like,you’re going to die. Next thing I know it was 1 pm the next day! And I am scared to death because I don’t know where I am. And again never lost awareness for 12 fucking hours. It took me a while to realize I was safe in my apartment. I was like why is my lip so swollen? I had forgotten what had happened . Apparently I even talked to my mom and she said I was acting normal but I have no recollection whatsoever talking to her. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I went into my living room as I was slowly putting the pieces together. There was a huge fucking hole my wall. I was like wtf what am i supposed to do about this?  Yeah apparently I fell so hard I knocked a hole in my wall. A very noticeable large hole. I am not in too much pain right now but enough to make me uncomfortable. I was having a good day that day too! I was very lucky I didn’t seriously hurt myself. I have never had a seizure that severe. Usually I just drop like a fly and other people are usually with me. I always bite my tongue but I have never clamped down on my lip like that. I looked like Melanie Griffith after her botched lip surgery. I am afraid one of these days that luck is going to run out. I mean I still have a scar where i dropped at the grocery store and gashed my head open on those metal hooks that hold the cheese. That was my first I was 25 at onset. They always start out the same way either this weird complex déjà or visual hallucinations. I had never experienced auditory hallucinations they were scaring me. And I have never in my life felt like I was actually going to die this time. I can’t even begin to describe how that felt. I guess I was just losing consciousness but I thought I was losing was my life and it was gone. Wow. These doctors need to be more fucking attentive when a patient says i have a low seizure threshold yet prescribes you a medication that apparently causes seizures in higher doses. It frustrates me because I told her about my seizures yet she negligently prescribed the medication anyway. This shouldn’t have happened. I really hate doctors it is hard to find good one who actually. I trusted her judgement and now I have a day unaccounted for and a hole in my wall. I mean you’re trust your doctors. I am the idiot for trusting her judgement and taking the medication anyway or is it on her for not heeding my warnings. She knew it could cause seizures ate higher doses. Yup I feel like the ass because even though I was aware it could cause seizure I still took it. But again I am torn because i trusted her she’s my psychiatrist. I don’t  know who is really at fault. But I will tell you this she will be hearing from very soon. I don’t know what’s going to kill me first my brain or my body. It’s a toss up right now. I need a new neurologist. Or a neuropsychiatrist I can’t have anymore of these accidents happen. I mean I live alone and that is just scary for me that something prescribed can actually cause me to get really hurt. I need a new brain and body. I am beyond duly frustrated. This matter will be taken care of properly.

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Random Shallow entry..

There’s this Elder beerman outlet store by where I live and I got a 140 dollar coat 54 dollar sweater 20 dollar bra and 80 dollar pair of pants all for 49 dollars. That coat is so awesome. I must show it off. Image

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I take two steps forward and two steps back…

Okay, I admit, lately I have been indulging in some unsavory behavior. I don’t know why??? Coping mechanism I never learned to deal with properly? I tell my therapist what I do. It’s just, how am I supposed to fix my damn self? By words and worksheets and workbooks? It doesn’t work. She said I need to make myself healthier and stronger because I am so bright and insightful and have so much to offer this world blah blah blah. I’d rather take the latter and hang myself from it.  I just don’t feel strong enough anymore and I am only 30. 

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So much still to process so overwhelming and scary..

God damn I have only been through 3 hours of this CPT therapy and its ripping me to shreds. I mean first thoughts; anger, always. Second thoughts confusion confusion and more confusion. The thing is I have not been “myself” in probably over 15 years. Now I have to face it? I don’t want to but I have to. Because I cannot live like this any longer in a constant state of fear? And I have no idea how hips got so damaged that they need to replaced!? I just realized my body has been stuck in fight or flight mode for over ten years and I have no idea how to relax or let that tension go. Doctors always say to me now just relax your muscles relax and I am like I DON’T KNOW HOW ASSHOLES. Sorry, thoughts flooding like I opened the main flood gate. Some are very scary and not because of the trauma but what the trauma had caused me to become and I had no fucking idea. I am not stupid I think in fact I was very smart to go away because I couldn’t be there anymore. So, okay. I have this theory I have read a little about  DID and I never thought I had it. But, now that I think back to the chronic trauma, I think  I  placed things inside of me for protection and coping. My parents never monitored anything my brother and I did I was exposed to a lot of violent imagery on cable. I even remember my dad causually playing a  clockwork orange and I remember that rape scene like it was yesterday. However, these coping mechanisms these mean people who were supposed to help me? they were just scared as I was and we were all cowards. So, as I got older, I guess they were still just lying dormant dying to get out. Well, I realized how but i had no awareness  I let them out and now I feel like an asshole because they  were very very very mean spiteful people. Cynics and violence and, well,  the protector meant well but still scared people. So anyway, these people became  really mean over time because I internalized sooo much crap and anger and I had no outlet I just let it fester and seed deep inside of me like you know eppstein barr or something? They were bullies but they were still cowards. So, when I drank they got brave and they would show their faces. And I swear to god none of them were  me and that scares me to death. They have hurt people hurt and said horrible things to and used people and just they were awful people. None of those were me they were personalities I had created that took my body hostage when I was feeling more vulnerable. I remember my friend telling me that I when I pulled a knife she looked into my eyes and said I was not there,  first off I was gone I did not pull that knife the protector got suspicious I guess and by the time the cops got there protector was gone and turned into the sneak. It gets really weird I think about it. My mom said I came into her room one night and she said I just looked plain evil and she knew it wasn’t me talking she said I had a deeper voice and apparently crazy deep voice looked at her right the eye and “what do you think I’m gonna do, kill you?”  That’s so scary I want that shit to go away is going it going to be there forever?Again, now that I am aware of what is actually going on. I don’t thinkI can drink anymore. I have no idea who is going to show up when and what the hell they’re going to do others. I just can’t believe how mean they are. That was anger manifesting its own personalities inside of me. I feel dirty. Really dirty. This isn’t fucking fair. I just want to go back unaware unintentionally killing myself because this is so overwhelming I cannot even handle it. I mean the thoughts won’t stop. Everything (but my traumatic) past is starting to make sense. I have fucked up my life so bad because I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. Now that I am back to me. I am totally completely scared to death and fucking lost. I have no idea what I want to do or be. I don’t want to start over at 30. Deep breath. I just keep thinking back to the lack of guidance and communication abuse and then hearing my mom’s “you’ll figure it out” What the fuck was I supposed to figure out? how to live life coming from a family who barely raised me. I was more adult than they were and it was fucking sick. Okay, anger coming back I am trying to make it go away. I had noway to communicate  my feelings because there was no communication in that house  just all I can remember is loud fucking screaming horrible screaming objects being broken and thrown (such as books and knives) doors being slammed. That is how they fucking communicated like angry apes. Then it just goes back to the screaming and I am not just saying voices were raised and tempers were high. There was so much rage in that house holes in walls from brother who was out of control and mentally ill and they couldn’t care less. They never the helped the poor kid and now he is a shell of a human and full blown paranoid schizophrenic. Um, broken tables when dad his lost temper. Dad coming home drunk always even threatening to kill me.  My brother and his lack of boundaries and his violent temper. Then there I am in my room shaking. I was too sensitive for that environment I had to go somewhere. I have no idea where I went for so long. I am too sensitive and I hate it one of my personalities acted like they didn’t care what people thought and they were a complete asshole. Gotta love the asshole.  I mean seriously, now I think I know why I am somewhat disliked. But it wasn’t me dammit. The asshole was protecting my emotions. That one was making me incapable of loving anyone. Mean mean mean. There are just too many I can’t even think I invented. I feel sick and scared of myself. What the hell kind of coping is that ?! That’s just wrong. I just wish they weren’t so mean. what the hell is wrong with me?  I guess I had to make them mean because I was just so nice and sensitive and could very easily get hurt because I was already so damaged.You know how in the military they break you down but then they build you back up? I was raised like that my dad was stuck somewhere in the fucking military angry treating my brother and like when were in bootcamp. Fact of the fucking matter is he just kept breaking us down over and over I don’t even know how many times.  But stuck in that initial phase hernever built us the fuck back up that is so wrong and we were supposed to be in society feeling worthless absolutely no self esteem.  Fuck it the more I type the anger comes back and I don’t want that anger. I hope I can let it go during therapy or at least manage it somehow because it always seems to come back and

i never wanted be an angry person? . I was Introverted shy wracked with social anxiety unable to make or keep friends. I guess I had made my own friends in my head.  I was extremely fragile they were only  mean to protect me I guess because I would have been crushed had I not gone away and just stayed myself.  This is scary but at least I can come to terms with it. Just like the PTSD I don’t want to this to be true. I am so fucked up and I had no idea. Is there a pill for self esteem? I need some real bad.

 

 

Oh yeah and this a new development. I keep leaving out words when I type and I swear have typed them. Man am I really losing my mind now or getting it back very damaged not taken care of well.

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Hm.

Sometimes, I enjoy routine. Mostly when it comes to appointments. I have been seeing my therapist at 2:00 pm every time, but tomorrow it is at NOON. That bothers me, shouldn’t they  be eating lunch or something? Not listening to my pathetic childhood trauma? I just don’t know. But, I get my ADD medication tomorrow so I won’t be so hyper anymore. I am just rollicking all over the place right now. Funny thing is, I was dragging earlier, barely made it through my apartment door, then suddenly got a second wind! Slow claps and high 5′s all over!

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I Know this Is A .GOV website, but it deals with a therapy for PTSD

Which, I might add I am a part of it. She said with a little tweaking though, whatever that means. So, yeah read about it. It’s a pretty intense approach but helps you get stronger.

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/pages/cognitive_processing_therapy.asp

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