Therefore By the Grace of God Go I…

So, I have no idea who is even still reading or following my blog at this point. Apparently I had not updated in here since the end of November. There is just cause for my long delay of absence, I promise. So, I am not sure if I had updated in here that I almost died of Renal failure back towards fall/winter months. Well, you think that would have stopped me from drinking so much. Oh yeah, btw, I had a hell of a chemical dependency on alcohol. Anyway, a couple of months went by after the seemingly brush with death at the emergency room. My kidneys had been literally shutting down for 72 hours before I finally called the EMT to take me to the ER. After that and the seizure scare I wound up staying with my parents for a couple of months. I wasn’t really apt to drive a vehicle after that whole ordeal anyway. Well, I finally fessed up to my therapist about the extent of my drinking. I mean, it was bad. I could probably put back 4 or 5 steel reserve 40ozs in an evening.  I know, disgusting, right? Believe me, I am not proud of it, neither was I proud of the times I had fallen numerous times (once including in my bath tub, and was literally stuck for over 3 hours). Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I found a residential treatment facility near where my parents lived but it would have taken them over a month to even have a bed there. At the rate I was going; I honestly don’t think I would have still been alive by the time they would have gotten me into their residential program. When I first came clean to my therapist she must have not realized the extent of my alcohol consumption because she thought I’d be able to do intensive outpatient. I knew the consequences were dire and I told her straight up that I was going to need residential treatment. Well, I got that ball rolling right before Valentines day because I do remember being in detox on Valentines day. I called the National Council on Alcoholism and they referred me to a great hospital who had a very comfortable detoxification program. I was only supposed to be in there for maybe 3 days tops, but they found out I had other medical problems wrong with me as well. Thank God no Hepatitis or any liver damage or anything of that detrimental nature. However, they found out I was Anemic. I was sitting here reflecting on this blog and all this time I had been complaining about how weak I was and how I wasn’t going to be strong enough to make a resilient comeback this time. Well, it turns out that my hemoglobin was so low that I was dangerously close to having to get bloot transfusions. I wound up with a couple IV drips of Ferrous Sulfate solution. Well, the residential treatment program I sought out was able to take me right away. All I had to do was go through detox and they had a bed already waiting for me. I could not believe how smoothly that transition went. I heard from them all the time that there’s always people on waiting lists just to get in there, yet, they basically stalk called me to find out if I was still interested in going. Mind you, I was a self admit. I didn’t realize how many women were there who were court mandated, came from CCNO (Correctionals Center of Northwest Ohio) which the judge I suppose suspended some of their jail time for treatment in lieu. There were also other women there who came straight from prison. But, I mean, these we were just normal women who got caught in the small towns they were from either doctor shopping, manufacturing illegal chemicals, and there were quite a few women in there who suffered from heroin addiction. One girl apparently was shooting up bath salts (I didn’t know that stuff was even around anymore) and there were very slim pickings when it came to alcohol chemical dependency. I would say the entire time I resided there I think maybe 2 or 3 women including myself were being treated for alcohol dependency. There was also another client in there with me who wound up being kidnapped and sold into human trafficking when she was just a teenager. She became addicted to crack during that time and actually wound up becoming addicted to prostituting herself even after she had her pimp put away in prison for a very long time.  Most of the women I met there were pretty decent. There were the occasional weirdos, like the girl who supposedly said her drug of choice was Dramamine. I still don’t know how I feel about her story. There was one woman in there with me who appeared seemingly normal when I first met her. Apparently she had met her abusive husband through Alcoholics Anonymous. I’ll tell you what though, towards the end of her treatment, bitch lost her damn mind. She was paranoid saying that people were bullying her during group every time she’d bring up her abusive spouse. Also, she tried to have me believing that I was being bullied as well. I am not sure if anyone knows much about residential treatment, but bullying is definitely not a behavior that any of those women exhibited. So yeah, this woman lost her damn mind at the end of treatment. She had put her husband away for over 5 years without parole. He almost completely beat her to death. She had a traumatic brain injury and everything. Also, it was told to another friend of mine that he actually beat her so badly that he beat a baby out of her. They put it in Tupperware in their backyard or something and didn’t even get a death certificate for it or anything. It’s funny when she went into psychotic crazy manipulative phase at the end of her treatment she changed the tune of her story entirely. Claiming that the baby had been stillborn. There are two things that fuck me up more than anything about her behavior. She had another baby by her husband and in her “rational” mind she thought that if she was holding the baby at the time that he would not abuse her. That’s some pretty fallible logic if I may say so myself, because I am pretty sure infants weren’t created to be shields. And, if you’re dying to know, no, that did not stop him from beating the shit out of her. But, what I suppose perturbs the most about her situation and the fact that she testified against her husband in court and put him away. She was trying to figure out a way to write him in jail despite what he had put her through. I mean don’t get me wrong. I understand Stockholm syndrome and all that, but she put him behind bars, yet still desperately tried to communicate with him. That girl had definitely lost a marble or a thousand. Oh, and the icing on top of that cake is that she wound up “successfully completing” the program around April and guess who shows back up for round two in June. The way I had it all mapped out in my head is that she waited for the girls who were apparently “bullying” her because according to her they were jealous of how attractive she was. Oh, that’s priceless. She walks like Quasimodo  but almost has the face of a hit Marsha Brady? By no means would these girls have felt any twinge of jealousy towards her. Oh, and I failed to mention according to them it’s my fault she turned all psychotic. Believe me, every chance they could find to call me into the administrators office, they would. I got blamed for everything from riling up group members to encouraging bad behavior. Yeah, it’s not like I ever broke any actual rules there, i.e.. getting caught smoking, testing positive during drug tests, etc, No, I had strictly behavioral problems, which I am pretty sure they can’t kick you out for that haha.  According to the administrator of the facility she swore up and down that the perception she gathered about me that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Mind you, this administrator/counselor didn’t know the first damn thing about C-PTSD and SUD. She led a very charmed life with no setbacks, adversity, financial burden or even a god damn nicotine addiction. I was very upset with my therapist (not at her) during my first session back after leaving residential. I could not stop talking about how peeved I was that the administrator totally misdiagnosed me with BPD. I guess I was livid for two main reasons, the symptons of C-PTSD and ADHD are very similar to the traits that one with BPD would possess. I mean, trauma itself fall under an anxiety disorder and ADHD is a learning disorder. However, due to these factors, I may have overstepped boundaries, had intense mood swings, and even questions during an inappropriate time during our 3 hour long group therapy sessions almost every day of the week. Oh, I was also accused of being condescending and verbally abusive towards staff. Also, they did not understand my sarcastic and completely dry sense of humor often questioning me as if I were actually joking or not. Now, in all fairness, I can understand how growing up in the environment I did, with the family I did, and the trauma I was exposed to, might cause me to exhibit some traces of BPD. But, shit, I didn’t know any other means of survival. So, being 4 and a half hours removed away from them for almost a complete 6 months, I was able to acknowledge that some of my behavior may not been totally apropos.

But I guess what still bothers me when I think about it AGAIN, is that the administrator and my counselor were dead sure that I was manipulating them and all the people around me. When I would to say to them “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” And they’d still accuse me of lying. I honestly didn’t know half the time what they actually were talking about in regards to my behavior?! They made it seem like I was sitting in my room rubbing my Monty Burns hands together thinking of ways I could cause chaos and disrupt my treatment as well as the whole 9 other girls (who they managed to keep at that consensus at any given time)  because I apparently was some evil mastermind. And 9 girls with, two case managers (one was an intern when I got there then she wound up working there as a counselor as well), a facilitator who only did group, the administrator who did counseling and group, and the other therapist who did group on Mondays but also saw individual clients. There was also a nurse on staff, a monitor every 8 hours, a glorified secretary, and I think that’s about all. Point being, they couldn’t manage 9 women!! I had a therapist in Cincinnati who had over 100 clients, she never cancelled an appointment, and she remembered everything about me. That whole thing just blows my mind. So, yeah this treatment center was in a place called Fayette, Ohio. It used to be a roller rink, but they renovated it in 2001 to turn it into a residential facility. I was fortunately able to talk to my trauma therapist in Cincinnati once a week. I would always let her know the latest trouble I had gotten myself into. I also got a stern talking to because I never wanted to attend AA meetings. I still am, I don’t know, neither really here nor there with them. I mean they exist, I have 5 month sobriety coins and I had a temporary sponsor for a little bit. I just never really meshed with any of the group members where we would attend meetings. But yeah, my therapist said two very enlightening things to me that helped me put the one group facilitator into perspective. Oh god, I absolutely hated her, she was an idiot, to say the least. Anyway, my therapist told me that I didn’t always have to fight everything, that I didn’t always have to take a stand, and that if I left group or wherever saying things like “i could have done that better” she said that meant I hadn’t learned anything during that group. I halfheartedly agree with her. But, as for always not having to take a stand and fight everything and everyone (mostly staff and AA) I became a much more agreeable person who showed a lot of growth and maturity and blah blah blah. At the end of my treatment though, a bottle of liquid e-vapor was found in my trash and I got a little bit in trouble for that and wound up actually getting my certificate of completion a week after that incident. But, another horrible thing that administrator said to me was that if I kept treating staff the way I had been treating them the last two weeks of my treatment there that I was going to lead a very lonely life. I was like damn, that’s harsh.  And you know, I don’t know if that was something I necessarily needed to hear or not. I know sometimes therapists have been known to say things to me I don’t want to hear but that I actually need to hear. But, I am still debating this instance. She had no idea how close I was with the residents, how many lives I had touched, how many of them listened to me when I had answers or feedback for them and how I was very easy to talk to and get along with. I am actually extremely cordial, kind, empathetic, warm, funny, sensitive, introspective, and just basically got along with everyone I was in treatment with. It was just that damn staff that got on my nerves so bad.  Oh, and I did learn a shitty lesson while I was up there. A few of the residents were going to Walmart and I had to go to urgent care or something for swollen ankles, so I gave my  (whom I thought was a friend at that time) my debit card and told her to pick me up a couple of things, it couldn’t have totaled over 20 dollars. Well, I went to use my credit card not too long afterwards, like a week or so, and it said I had insufficient funds. Bitch had ripped me off for 150 dollars! She said in her little innocent voice, oh I may have spent a few extra dollars, but when confronted with my bank statement she knew nothing about those purchases made, when they were made in her home fucking town. I would never do that to anyone, but then again, I was surrounded by addicts. So, therein lies my case in point. At any rate, I learned a lot, set boundaries with my parents, my hips are much stronger now, I am no longer anemic, I sleep just fine, I haven’t drank in almost 200 days, and aside from all my mental disorder shit I still apparently am going to need to work on for quite some time even after my discharge (btw the program was only supposed to last 90 days). I exceeded my welcome on that one…

Anyway, so I was out of treatment for maybe two days, yes, I was released on Tuesday, and I was staying with a friend in Findlay near Toledo, and I remember telling her on Wednesday night I wasn’t feeling very well. So, I took off for bed around 11:30 pm or so. Well, me and nobody in the world would have guessed what happened next.  I woke up and I did not have my glasses on. I realized my throat was absolutely killing me. I didn’t understand why it was is in so much pain. Well, I go to move my arms and they are being held down by restraints. So, I have no idea where I am, what time it is, why my hands are in restraints and why there are tubes down my throat. Apparently, my friend tried to wake me up around 9 am or so to see if I wanted to take a walk with her and her baby. Well, she said I just kind of grunted and rolled over. Oh, also she said I was coughing pretty profusely at around 3:00 AM. So, I suppose some time had passed since she first tried to wake me up. Her mom heard me in the bedroom and thought I was snoring. No, that was not the case at all. I was aspirating. So, my friend luckily being an RN and a DON called the ambulance to come get me. She said she even tried rescue breaths on me but I was still unconscious not responding. They also tried a sternal rub to see if that would bring me back to consciousness too. That did not work, either. Well, they had me on a ventilator and then eventually put me in an induced coma so they could Intubate me. I got multiple answers from multiple doctors, they don’t know if I possibly had cardiac arrest or if my heart just failed momentarily due to unnecessary stress that possibly could have been caused by a seizure. I am still unclear. I had a touch of pneumonia and I almost stopped breathing completely and lost almost more than half of the oxygen in my brain.  So, yeah, ICU and my friend saved my life two days after I got out of residential treatment. I still find that so bizarre. God just had to pull one over on me didn’t he. I guess his cosmic sense of humor is as dry as mine. I have been recovered from that for about 2 or 3 weeks now, but you’ll never guess what happened after that. I broke my damn leg. I tripped in the hallway tried to grab my balance and landed on my fibula. I have a black cast on right now. So, despite all these adversary things happening to me I have not had the urge to go out and drink. So, I think I got that pretty much licked, for now. All in all, residential treatment did wonders for me. I am totally different person. I am ambitious again. I am not just doing nothing all day like I used to. However, I am kind of forced to right now with the broken fibula. I actually want to return to school and get my masters so that I can become a counselor for addicts and also trauma victims. I know what empathy actually feels like. I still want to do comedy on the side, and hell, maybe the memoir I had planned on writing can basically be about my stay at Serenity Haven. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times..

 

Hopefully I will start updating sooner now rather than you know 8 or so months from when I last posted.

Oh, and how could I forget. My brother is finally married and moved out of my parents house. I thought the day would never come. Unfortunately, I could not be in his wedding, because I was still in treatment when he got married and, also, I knew I would not have made it if I was presented with an open bar. I wasn’t being selfish, but maybe I was, maybe I am allowed to. I was only looking for my best interest. The wedding went on without me. Nobody spontaneously combusted. Crisis averted!

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I apologize.

You may notice the  previous post  missing  words. My computer died on me so I don’t know how to edit well on my ipad. Just fill in the blanks.

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Sigh.

I haven’t been writing much mostly because I don’t really have anything to say anymore. My social anxiety has gotten so bad that I started sweating on the elevator because it was too full. I never wanted to become this? I feel stuck and afraid. I never knew PTSD would eat away at my life like this. On top of everything okay yesterday may have been the scariest moment in my life. I have been on effexor for quite sometime now. It is known to cause seizures in those with a low seizure threshold one of those people happens to be me of course. Well my psychiatrist just recently increased my dose because I never had a problem with seizures on a lower dose. I also cant take Wellbutrin or tramadol. Found those out the hard just like I did with the higher dose of Effexor . I admit I was in pain the night before so i didn’t get proper rest. I went to meet my mom and my head felt the only way I can describe it is fuzzy like something was off chemically; I just knew something wasn’t right. I felt like I don’t know like the world had been tilted? I honestly can’t describe it. But anyway I thought this was due to missing my dose of Effexor. So when I got home I took it unfortunately on an empty stomach too. I had been playing these online slots on my ipad and the time was about I want to say 2:00 pm. Suddenly my vision went wrong I could only see a white light where usually is. I couldn’t see the screen and I was seeing a spinning rainbow this is a common aura for me regarding seizure awareness. But what happened scared me more than anything in my life and I’ve been through a lot. Suddenly my vision locked up on me like my brain froze or something but thoughts still thinking. I could feel it coming on but this time I was hearing voices that weren’t there they were saying sara you need to get to a hospital now! There were multiple voices and that has never happened to me before either. They were so real but nobody was here. For some reason right before I lost consciousness I stood up I have no idea why. I had never been this fully aware still before I drop. And I actually thought I was dying I am mot exaggerating I had never felt anything like that before my thoughts were so confused that I thought I saw my life flashing before my eyes I was having visions but I don’t know what they were. I had never experienced myself losing consciousness it really does feel like,you’re going to die. Next thing I know it was 1 pm the next day! And I am scared to death because I don’t know where I am. And again never lost awareness for 12 fucking hours. It took me a while to realize I was safe in my apartment. I was like why is my lip so swollen? I had forgotten what had happened . Apparently I even talked to my mom and she said I was acting normal but I have no recollection whatsoever talking to her. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I went into my living room as I was slowly putting the pieces together. There was a huge fucking hole my wall. I was like wtf what am i supposed to do about this?  Yeah apparently I fell so hard I knocked a hole in my wall. A very noticeable large hole. I am not in too much pain right now but enough to make me uncomfortable. I was having a good day that day too! I was very lucky I didn’t seriously hurt myself. I have never had a seizure that severe. Usually I just drop like a fly and other people are usually with me. I always bite my tongue but I have never clamped down on my lip like that. I looked like Melanie Griffith after her botched lip surgery. I am afraid one of these days that luck is going to run out. I mean I still have a scar where i dropped at the grocery store and gashed my head open on those metal hooks that hold the cheese. That was my first I was 25 at onset. They always start out the same way either this weird complex déjà or visual hallucinations. I had never experienced auditory hallucinations they were scaring me. And I have never in my life felt like I was actually going to die this time. I can’t even begin to describe how that felt. I guess I was just losing consciousness but I thought I was losing was my life and it was gone. Wow. These doctors need to be more fucking attentive when a patient says i have a low seizure threshold yet prescribes you a medication that apparently causes seizures in higher doses. It frustrates me because I told her about my seizures yet she negligently prescribed the medication anyway. This shouldn’t have happened. I really hate doctors it is hard to find good one who actually. I trusted her judgement and now I have a day unaccounted for and a hole in my wall. I mean you’re trust your doctors. I am the idiot for trusting her judgement and taking the medication anyway or is it on her for not heeding my warnings. She knew it could cause seizures ate higher doses. Yup I feel like the ass because even though I was aware it could cause seizure I still took it. But again I am torn because i trusted her she’s my psychiatrist. I don’t  know who is really at fault. But I will tell you this she will be hearing from very soon. I don’t know what’s going to kill me first my brain or my body. It’s a toss up right now. I need a new neurologist. Or a neuropsychiatrist I can’t have anymore of these accidents happen. I mean I live alone and that is just scary for me that something prescribed can actually cause me to get really hurt. I need a new brain and body. I am beyond duly frustrated. This matter will be taken care of properly.

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Random Shallow entry..

There’s this Elder beerman outlet store by where I live and I got a 140 dollar coat 54 dollar sweater 20 dollar bra and 80 dollar pair of pants all for 49 dollars. That coat is so awesome. I must show it off. Image

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I take two steps forward and two steps back…

Okay, I admit, lately I have been indulging in some unsavory behavior. I don’t know why??? Coping mechanism I never learned to deal with properly? I tell my therapist what I do. It’s just, how am I supposed to fix my damn self? By words and worksheets and workbooks? It doesn’t work. She said I need to make myself healthier and stronger because I am so bright and insightful and have so much to offer this world blah blah blah. I’d rather take the latter and hang myself from it.  I just don’t feel strong enough anymore and I am only 30. 

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So much still to process so overwhelming and scary..

God damn I have only been through 3 hours of this CPT therapy and its ripping me to shreds. I mean first thoughts; anger, always. Second thoughts confusion confusion and more confusion. The thing is I have not been “myself” in probably over 15 years. Now I have to face it? I don’t want to but I have to. Because I cannot live like this any longer in a constant state of fear? And I have no idea how hips got so damaged that they need to replaced!? I just realized my body has been stuck in fight or flight mode for over ten years and I have no idea how to relax or let that tension go. Doctors always say to me now just relax your muscles relax and I am like I DON’T KNOW HOW ASSHOLES. Sorry, thoughts flooding like I opened the main flood gate. Some are very scary and not because of the trauma but what the trauma had caused me to become and I had no fucking idea. I am not stupid I think in fact I was very smart to go away because I couldn’t be there anymore. So, okay. I have this theory I have read a little about  DID and I never thought I had it. But, now that I think back to the chronic trauma, I think  I  placed things inside of me for protection and coping. My parents never monitored anything my brother and I did I was exposed to a lot of violent imagery on cable. I even remember my dad causually playing a  clockwork orange and I remember that rape scene like it was yesterday. However, these coping mechanisms these mean people who were supposed to help me? they were just scared as I was and we were all cowards. So, as I got older, I guess they were still just lying dormant dying to get out. Well, I realized how but i had no awareness  I let them out and now I feel like an asshole because they  were very very very mean spiteful people. Cynics and violence and, well,  the protector meant well but still scared people. So anyway, these people became  really mean over time because I internalized sooo much crap and anger and I had no outlet I just let it fester and seed deep inside of me like you know eppstein barr or something? They were bullies but they were still cowards. So, when I drank they got brave and they would show their faces. And I swear to god none of them were  me and that scares me to death. They have hurt people hurt and said horrible things to and used people and just they were awful people. None of those were me they were personalities I had created that took my body hostage when I was feeling more vulnerable. I remember my friend telling me that I when I pulled a knife she looked into my eyes and said I was not there,  first off I was gone I did not pull that knife the protector got suspicious I guess and by the time the cops got there protector was gone and turned into the sneak. It gets really weird I think about it. My mom said I came into her room one night and she said I just looked plain evil and she knew it wasn’t me talking she said I had a deeper voice and apparently crazy deep voice looked at her right the eye and “what do you think I’m gonna do, kill you?”  That’s so scary I want that shit to go away is going it going to be there forever?Again, now that I am aware of what is actually going on. I don’t thinkI can drink anymore. I have no idea who is going to show up when and what the hell they’re going to do others. I just can’t believe how mean they are. That was anger manifesting its own personalities inside of me. I feel dirty. Really dirty. This isn’t fucking fair. I just want to go back unaware unintentionally killing myself because this is so overwhelming I cannot even handle it. I mean the thoughts won’t stop. Everything (but my traumatic) past is starting to make sense. I have fucked up my life so bad because I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. Now that I am back to me. I am totally completely scared to death and fucking lost. I have no idea what I want to do or be. I don’t want to start over at 30. Deep breath. I just keep thinking back to the lack of guidance and communication abuse and then hearing my mom’s “you’ll figure it out” What the fuck was I supposed to figure out? how to live life coming from a family who barely raised me. I was more adult than they were and it was fucking sick. Okay, anger coming back I am trying to make it go away. I had noway to communicate  my feelings because there was no communication in that house  just all I can remember is loud fucking screaming horrible screaming objects being broken and thrown (such as books and knives) doors being slammed. That is how they fucking communicated like angry apes. Then it just goes back to the screaming and I am not just saying voices were raised and tempers were high. There was so much rage in that house holes in walls from brother who was out of control and mentally ill and they couldn’t care less. They never the helped the poor kid and now he is a shell of a human and full blown paranoid schizophrenic. Um, broken tables when dad his lost temper. Dad coming home drunk always even threatening to kill me.  My brother and his lack of boundaries and his violent temper. Then there I am in my room shaking. I was too sensitive for that environment I had to go somewhere. I have no idea where I went for so long. I am too sensitive and I hate it one of my personalities acted like they didn’t care what people thought and they were a complete asshole. Gotta love the asshole.  I mean seriously, now I think I know why I am somewhat disliked. But it wasn’t me dammit. The asshole was protecting my emotions. That one was making me incapable of loving anyone. Mean mean mean. There are just too many I can’t even think I invented. I feel sick and scared of myself. What the hell kind of coping is that ?! That’s just wrong. I just wish they weren’t so mean. what the hell is wrong with me?  I guess I had to make them mean because I was just so nice and sensitive and could very easily get hurt because I was already so damaged.You know how in the military they break you down but then they build you back up? I was raised like that my dad was stuck somewhere in the fucking military angry treating my brother and like when were in bootcamp. Fact of the fucking matter is he just kept breaking us down over and over I don’t even know how many times.  But stuck in that initial phase hernever built us the fuck back up that is so wrong and we were supposed to be in society feeling worthless absolutely no self esteem.  Fuck it the more I type the anger comes back and I don’t want that anger. I hope I can let it go during therapy or at least manage it somehow because it always seems to come back and

i never wanted be an angry person? . I was Introverted shy wracked with social anxiety unable to make or keep friends. I guess I had made my own friends in my head.  I was extremely fragile they were only  mean to protect me I guess because I would have been crushed had I not gone away and just stayed myself.  This is scary but at least I can come to terms with it. Just like the PTSD I don’t want to this to be true. I am so fucked up and I had no idea. Is there a pill for self esteem? I need some real bad.

 

 

Oh yeah and this a new development. I keep leaving out words when I type and I swear have typed them. Man am I really losing my mind now or getting it back very damaged not taken care of well.

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Hm.

Sometimes, I enjoy routine. Mostly when it comes to appointments. I have been seeing my therapist at 2:00 pm every time, but tomorrow it is at NOON. That bothers me, shouldn’t they  be eating lunch or something? Not listening to my pathetic childhood trauma? I just don’t know. But, I get my ADD medication tomorrow so I won’t be so hyper anymore. I am just rollicking all over the place right now. Funny thing is, I was dragging earlier, barely made it through my apartment door, then suddenly got a second wind! Slow claps and high 5’s all over!

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