What’s even worth it anymore?

I have tried so hard for so long. To “adjust” to the situation I am in. I live in a world where rationality is seen as heresy and opinionated, compassionate, and logical. Anything else would seem absurd. I have remained calm, listened to opinions, offered advice, chose not to react in situations that would warrant screaming or fighting. Sometimes, when you use your brain, it backfires on you. I haven’t spent so many years in therapy learning to cope with the verbal abuse that has been utilized on me since I was a child:  just to have one moment of momentary relapse that just discards all those methods I have been taught. Tonight, I reached my limit. I am no longer talking. In fact, I am no longer communicating. It would be better off to think that I just did not even breath the same air as the insane people who surround me. I have ran out of coping mechanisms. I thought apathy and brushing off any negative thoughts, words, actions, or comments was actually working out well for me. However, when I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs calling my dad a piece of shit bastard to his face. I guess I have come to realize that either the methods I have been taught are failing me,  or, my brain finally just reached its snapping point. Sometimes, I am afraid of what I might do next.

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  1. #1 by garishliving on June 19, 2013 - 8:38 pm

    I understand what you’re going through. It has gotten to the point where I literally feel dead inside. I don’t necessarily I mean that in a bad way but in a way where it just doesn’t bother me anymore. Okay, I am 30 years old and I just had an altercation with my father over the most ridiculous scenario imaginable. I accidentally left his car door open and he yelled at my mom to go close it even though he was downstairs and could have easily closed it himself? Well my mom forgot and/or didn’t see a point of going downstairs to close it. About 20 minutes later he’s LIVID because that door is still open and so he screams at ME and it was this most hateful vile scream and I just snapped. I am a pacifist and usually just let things blow over and don’t react. But something inside me just built up so explosively I couldn’t hold it in anymore. He has treated me like garbage my entire life, passive aggressive hints, very obvious verbal abuse. So, when he screamed my name upstairs over something so TRIVIAL I just screamed at the top of my lungs I have no idea what I even said anymore. But, I do remember going downstairs and he goes No! No! Get back upstairs! And the words that came from my mouth ranged from bastard to piece of shit. My throat was sore after all that rage. I would have never in a million years imagined myself doing that. I guess my point is you need to stand up for yourself, don’t go berserk like I did (worst case scenario) but don’t play victim all the time because you will be treated as such. This happened the day before fathers day. Ironically, ever since this happened he has been being so nice to me. Offering to get me things (I just had surgery on my hip which is why I am home) Compassionately wanting me to get better. It’s weird. Find a way to make your voice heard and people will start to respect you.

  1. Verbal Dumping Ground | anonymous real thoughts

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