I feel utterly and completely sick and overwhelmed with grief…

Okay, things like this ARE NOT supposed to happen. In March of 2009 I split from my current girlfriend at the time. I met someone while her and I were still together. We weren’t technically dating, but he took a very strong interest in me. It wasn’t before long, I realized the interest was an obsession. I would usually talk him down if he got angry over whatever was going on in his head. But, I started to get concerned when he began to stalk me. He found out where I moved after my girlfriend and I broke up. One night, he just texted me and said “I’m outside your house, I think.” He was driving around with a bottle of opened grey goose. I never got the sense that he would harm me in any way. But, he would stalk me out at bars, he found out which bars I went to when I was out in Columbus, Oh. He would just show up unannounced, checking in, I guess. Again, he still totally sweet and harmless. At one point I told him I wanted to get a new keyboard. I found out he drove around to every thrift store in the area until he found one for me. I had already gone to the store and bought a brand new one. One time I was caught in heavy traffic and he started serial texting me each text getting more and more desperate because I could not respond. I finally got angry and texted him back that I was stuck in traffic and I cannot text him every two minutes. He got a little weird after that comment. Now, what really disturbed me, is that one night we were just talking and he said “My brother killed himself over a girl like you”. His texts became more frantic over the next couple of weeks, fearing I would never respond to him again, even if it was only a 5 minute time period. So, the time comes around where we’ve only known other about a little over a month. I went out drinking one night at a bar I had never been to, got drunk with people I had never met, and hung out with them all night. I knew at least he wouldn’t be looking for me there. Now, here’s the thing. I never wanted to hurt him and I wasn’t trying to make him think we were something that we weren’t. I had just gotten out of a serious relationship I definitely was not ready to move on. He sure was. He, only wanted me. Well, that night I went out it was early April 2009. I was carrying a satchel bag which was a strange new choice for me. When the people who gave me a ride home let me out of their car my phone must have accidentally fallen between the seats (A year later I got a facebook message saying they had found my phone in some boxes and was going to ship it back to me). It never came, btw. Anyway, I knew how upset he’d be if he didn’t hear from me. I didn’t have his number written down. I didn’t know his address. I didn’t even know what part of columbus he was from. I had no way of contacting him and by the time I got a new phone. I never heard from him ever again. Deep in my heart I wanted it just to be that he got over it, the darkness inside him, the strange rage he seemed to have, but still he had such a sweet heart. He was born Feb. 28th 1984 and I was born March 3rd 1983. Both pisces, both intense people who get hurt VERY easily. I relentlessly tried to find him or contact him in any way that I could. It was plaguing because I was starting to believe it wasn’t just him moving on. Today I had this revelation because I had went through the haunted history of all my failed relationships. I thought about him and one last thing I never did. I guess I just wasn’t wanting to face it if it was true. I went to the Columbus Dispatch Online, went to the obituaries and typed in his name. Sure enough, there he was. He died less than one WEEK after I lost my phone. This hurts worse than anything I could ever imagine. I feel like such a heartless asshole. If I hadn’t gone out drinking that night he might still be here. I never thought people could have such a strong effect on another person. May he rest in peace. He deserves it… way the fuck more than I do.

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