I feel naked. Like, actually naked in front of your class at school, but this isn’t a dream. These are the ghosts of my old journal pasts..

I am letting whoever wants to read this take a sneak peak into my private journal from 2002. I am looking for a post about something that really traumatized me here. In the meanwhile you get to read a teenage gir’s diary haha. 

Take a look:

 

Combing through PTSD past to find one of the worst moments I ever experienced in this house. I have to face this. Here are some entries from when I was about 19 and an idiot. Stay entertained. Or at least, pretend.

[protected post] the brain is fascinating. [Nov. 7th, 2002|06:52 pm]
[ mood | weirdweird ]

My eyes feel empty.

my friend told me about his uncle who got MS from depression, paralyzed from the waist down. He just stopped functioning as a human because he was so down. That’s fucking crazy. He is starting to walk again with a walker, the guy is like 34 years old.

Despair will engulf the spirits of the brightest most talented people, due to lack of motivation, support, being told they were nothing as children.. it just gets sad when they actually believe it.

Take 2 children from the same family, one kid gets emotionally cut down all the time, the other gets spoiled, anything they want. Who is gonna turn out better? who is gonna turn out not giving a shit about life? who will work? who will want to die? it could turn out either way. Parents fucking suck sometimes, they fuck their kids up more than anyone. Some people may beg to differ, but in my eyes, parents do the most damage.

what will things be like in 10 years, genetically engineered kids like in gattacca? “we want timmy to be a nuclear physcist, so we made sure that he was engineered that way. bullshit, parents arent even parents anymore…they leave it up to the nanny and the computer. there will be no such thing as chance, there will be no such thing as imagination. drones.

i don’t like those thoughts i get late at night when i am trying to get to sleep. those thoughts of things ending. those thoughts of getting older. i can’t stop the inevitable, but it’s really taking a toll on my heart. there is no forever, and that scares the shit out of me.

[protected post] yeah, i am strong. [Nov. 14th, 2002|12:50 am]
[ mood | angryangry ]

Well, for a twilight reader’s age I was still quite insightful haha. 

 

My dad came home. drunk as all fucking hell.

he passed out in his fucking car, in the freezing cold.

My mom and brother tried to get him to come inside… he wouldnt listen.

i go out there for 2 minutes and verbally berate him. he threatened to kill me (incoherently) how cute.

and now he’s inside. I am the only person he will actually listen to, because i am firm. sometimes i feel like the only fucking adult in this house.

i wish i didnt have a heart, or else i would have let the bastard freeze to death out there.

it’s gonna be a bad winter.

i will focus on the positives.

i just need some people to be there for me.

 

[protected post] revelations. [Nov. 3rd, 2002|11:50 am]
[ mood | nostalgicnostalgic ]
[ music | just the sound of my thoughts. ]

I decided to bust out the old video footage i had taken 2 and 3 years ago. This time though, i did not watch people like i usually do.. i listened. To the weird conversations i had got on camera, to my incessant babbling when i was still in high school. i realized i could be a great documentary movie maker. god that would be fun. Anyway.. one of the things i said was really creepy… i was talking about how alcohol is depressing and how people who abuse it are more likely to kill themselves or harm themselves. this was creepy because i thought about steve, he was an alcoholic and killed himself while under the influence. And i knew he had a problem, and i said this probably 6 months prior to meeting him.. i knew already what would happen, but then again, i had no idea at all. Looking at those tapes really made me think. It’s like almost everything you do is a foreshadow into the future. I was thinking about my kindergarten teacher.. she was awesome, i was 6 years old and she believed in me, and knew i had great potential to do whatever i wanted. Then we moved, we moved to fucking fairfield. I knew from day one at my new school, that something was lacking there. It was too big, too impersonal.. and MOST teachers.. just did’nt believe in their students. Foreshadowing is an awesome concept, yes, i know it is a literary term.. but.. it can be applied to real life, when you dig deep into your memories and subconcious, if you read something, or look and listen to old footage. you will see that everything makes sense sometimes. Here is another quote i gathered from that old footage.
“don’t live in the present, think about the future… because eventually, everything will be ok”

bright blue eyes, tainted with reality.

 

I was so emo. And SO totally wrong about that quote.

 

Moving along… 

 

[private post] i’ve had better conversations with my dog. [Oct. 25th, 2002|01:23 am]
[ mood | crazycrazy ]
[ music | silverbullit- magnetic city ]

It’s like im talking to this brick wall in my head. nobody ever seems to GET what i say. (with a few exceptions)
I love to talk, i always have something to say, i just don’t get input from a lot of people, which makes me think they either don’t understand or they flat out don’t care. If you want to prove to me you are intelligent, don’t just nod your head or answer me with a “yeah” or “thats cool” because i could debate for hours over issues that actually matter. do you agree so you don’t piss me off? do you agree because you’d rather not talk about it? input, questions, and general fucking concern and empathy is the key to good conversation.
i’ve learned to be quite the conversationalist with myself. 
it’s fun. 

and…

i may have a mild case of schizophrenia. nothing to worry about. 

like i said, it will only make me famous one day.. you know being a writer with all those “crazy” thoughts.

and i need to start a band badly, im getting a guitar SOON.. i was thinking of naming the band “Self inflicted pleasure”

i can’t wait to see ivana haha.

i’m nuts…

 

They say when you write a memoir dig up memories you start to see a pattern. I am seeing that pattern and it’s freaking me out.

 

 

 it’s like this.. [Oct. 19th, 2002|09:09 pm]
[ mood | numbnumb ]

you think that you’ve got everything under control, then life throws a fastball towards your eye. of course you dont have time to duck. you let it hit you with all it’s might. and suffer the consequences of the black eye. it’s because you had taken a risk in the first place. it’s always going to be your fault.

it’s like, you think you’ve climbed the steepest mountain, but once youre at the top, someone pushes you back down again and your faced with a million and one more obstacles.

but if you think about this, if we didnt have these obstacles to keep our asses in gear. we’d probably just be useless beings, amoebas, sperm cells, parasites, flies. something’s got to keep us moving, something’s got to drive us.

as a human we all have jobs, whether it’s worry, deciet, whining, or taking care of other people. you have a job and don’t know it.
the original point of life was to survive. pro create, hunt. find a way to live. we’ve improved our living to the point of destruction, to the point of where something is living for us, we arent ourselves. because there is so much to do, we don’t want to live anymore. we merely drag our lifeless bodies to our dead end jobs and get shit pay to sit in an apartment all day and drink. escape anyway we can and live in denial about being miserable with the way things are going in your life. when you have everything you want to die, when you have nothing you want to die, there is no happy median. except, doing what makes you happy, finding something youre passionate about. and trying to dodge every fast ball that comes flying towards your face. sounds hard right? yes, very. because we live inside our own doubts and fears, we live inside what our parents taught us and what other people think. Everyone thinks they are so different than everyone else. open your eyes… we’re all the same. break free from that mold you’ve gotten yourself caught up in, all sticky and wretched. eventually, you wont be able to breathe anymore.

whats your will to live.

[protected post] this is great… [Oct. 9th, 2002|09:51 pm]
[ mood | boredbored ]

Buddhist Barbie,

by Denise Duhamel

In the 5th century B.C.
an Indian philosopher
Gautama teaches “All is emptiness” 
and “There is no self.” 
In the 20th century A.D.
Barbie agrees, but wonders how a man 
with such a belly could pose, 
smiling, and without a shirt.

 

So naive lol. 

 

 it never made sense. [Oct. 7th, 2002|03:56 pm]
[ mood | groggygroggy ]

Alright, I dont do this often but i just woke up and am writing.. i usually wait at least until my eyes clear a bit or my head is not stuffy, but i felt i had to do this. i had a very disturbing dream last night, there was like this girl.. but she was a creature i dont know what kind of creature.. maybe an ogre, maybe a goblin, grr i cant remember, but she had caused death and destruction to my whole city. to the point of where there was really nothing left. Someone i knew had befriended the thing i dont know how.. actually this dream is very unclear to me and i dont think i can recall anymore of it. i remember hiding in a bedroom where the bed and the ceiling almost coincided to the point where you felt clausterphobic.
i remember running from the thing back and forth in my car, i remember feeling fear. i remember having a cat. a smart cat. i remember the ‘thing’ but really dont remember any of this at all. jesus christ, it’s all pointless.

 

 

I used to be such a strange dreamer. Actually, most of them were more like nightmares. I don’t dream much anymore these days, but I still fancy the thought.

 

This is a juicy one. Cat Fight… it’s like a scene out of Mean Girls except I apparently had a weird lesbian crush on her and didn’t know it. I think I just figured that one out.  Also, I used to have a hard time controlling my emotions.

 

 

 

[private post] sometimes… i hate my fucking friends. [Oct. 1st, 2002|11:29 pm]
[ mood | melancholymelancholy ]

MissErin88: dude fuckkkkk that

Auto response from Oogmerk513: just fuck it. ok? 

Oogmerk513: bo
Oogmerk513: *no
Oogmerk513: here is what i have to say
MissErin88: did you even ASK me to do anything
MissErin88: no.
Oogmerk513: you’ll drive any fucking length for some guy
Oogmerk513: but everytime i ask you to hang out.. you cant 
MissErin88: wtf?
MissErin88: you’ve aSKED ME one TIME
MissErin88: and i couldnt because my mom was here
Oogmerk513: even if i would have asked you tonight
Oogmerk513: you wouldnt have
MissErin88: what the fuck
MissErin88: you didnt fucking ask me
Oogmerk513: im saying if i did
Oogmerk513: you wouldnt
MissErin88: so no you dont fucking know that
Oogmerk513: because you’d get in trouble
Oogmerk513: like last time
Oogmerk513: you said you were coming over
Oogmerk513: and you didnt 
Oogmerk513: because you’d get in trouble
Oogmerk513: whats so different about this time?
Oogmerk513: oh, because it’s sean
MissErin88: among many other things..not only the fact that i could get into trouble
MissErin88: listen sara
MissErin88: just because YOU feel like shit
MissErin88: doesnt need you need to try and make me feel like shit.
Oogmerk513: im not trying to make you feel like shti
Oogmerk513: I just wish you’d be around more often
MissErin88: well what the fuck
MissErin88: you didnt even fucking ask me to do something
Oogmerk513: doesnt matter anymore, im just tired
MissErin88: yeah what the fuck ever
Oogmerk513: man
Oogmerk513: you used fuck more than i did
Oogmerk513: heh
Oogmerk513: in fact i only used it once, im proud of myself
Oogmerk513: you say youre my best friend, but why does it alway seem like guys are priority 
Oogmerk513: you know that much is true
MissErin88: no its fucking not
Oogmerk513: it’s the same with everyone
MissErin88: too bad guys make up like 5% of my life
Oogmerk513: i wanted to hang out with you today thats why i called you
MissErin88: jesus.
Oogmerk513: but i figured
Oogmerk513: would you stop getting so testy
MissErin88: no i fucknig wont
MissErin88: you are being a bitch
Oogmerk513: it was too late by the time i actually got to talk to you
Oogmerk513: no im not
MissErin88: and pissing me the fuck off
Oogmerk513: youre being inconsiderate
MissErin88: oh am i?
MissErin88: how.
Oogmerk513: yes
Oogmerk513: stop asking for justification
MissErin88: because i had 9 hours of school today? sorry i wasnt available
Oogmerk513: did i ask how i was being a bitch?
Oogmerk513: no
Oogmerk513: listen
MissErin88: you dont need to, thats already apparent
Oogmerk513: im not trying to piss you off
Oogmerk513: im just saying whats on my mind
MissErin88: since when are guys a fucking priority?
Oogmerk513: it just always seems that way
MissErin88: how.
Oogmerk513: i mean youre always seeing ryan and drew.. you say you’ll come see me
Oogmerk513: but never do
MissErin88: i never ALWAYS do anything
Oogmerk513: that wasnt supposed to rhyme
MissErin88: i’ve seen ryan twice
MissErin88: i’ve gone to see drew once
MissErin88: how the fuck is that always.
Oogmerk513: ok well youre “spontaneously” seeing them.
MissErin88: how is that something done wrong.
MissErin88: its not like i dicked you over to go see them or something
Oogmerk513: im not saying youre doing anything wrong or you did anything wrong
Oogmerk513: im just saying i’d like to see you more often than i do
Oogmerk513: is there anything wrong with that? 😦
MissErin88: yes there fucking is
MissErin88: ecause you are blaming it on me
MissErin88: who came and got you for the party the other night
MissErin88: or weekend i mean
Oogmerk513: we didnt really hang out though and i was being an ass
MissErin88: whos fault is that?
Oogmerk513: just dont be mean to me right now
MissErin88: oh, but you can be mean to me?
Oogmerk513: im not being mean erin
Oogmerk513: if i was being mean i’d say fuck every other word
MissErin88: saying that i put guys as a priority is one. not true. two mean.
Oogmerk513: i was stating my opinion
Oogmerk513: i didnt call you a hoe
Oogmerk513: i didnt say anything mean
MissErin88: IT IS FALSE
MissErin88: i dont fucking put guys as a priority
Oogmerk513: thats how i see it and i was making you aware of how i see things
Oogmerk513: ok
Oogmerk513: well thats fine
Oogmerk513: i believe you
MissErin88: no its not fucking fine
Oogmerk513: ok?
MissErin88: you’ve really fucking pissed me off.
Oogmerk513: well im sorry for doing that
MissErin88: im done talking to you right now
Oogmerk513: alright later then.
Oogmerk513: thanks for being nice to me
MissErin88: feel sorry for yourself..
MissErin88: thats all you ever do.
Oogmerk513: im not feeling sorry for myself?
Oogmerk513: im not feeling sorry for myself at all
MissErin88 signed off at 11:14:37 PM. 

 

I know you’re loving this. I would. 

[private post] segmented entry part 2. (i need someone) [Sep. 29th, 2002|05:23 pm]
[ mood | numbnumb ]

ok, so this entry is like super private, bwcause too many people know too many other people, and i am not a shit talker.. so yeah.

I had met this guy in may… and was like totally head over heels for him for the longest time, and he always talked about how much he liked me and needed me. we’d hang out.. all the time. he reminded me of beavis. he is such an awesome person. Well finally a couple of months ago i just realized i didnt think we’d have much of a relationship going on… so my liking for him just kind of died away. So last night as tara is taking me home.. this hits me like a blow to the chest. “doolin has a gf.. he’s had one for 3 years now” im like WTF he could have told me that. and for some reason it just breaks my heart to know i could like someone sooo much when they have a fucking gf i never knew about i never heard about i never saw. could my luck be any more shittier? i mean jesus. first guy i have sex with commits suicide, one of the only guys i ever like has a fucking gf.. and doesnt tell me?!? and i get my heart broken by a girl. a girl. throw myself in to the fire. i’d like to watch me burn.
I am a misguided soul. i’d just like a special somebody, or even a special nobody.
ah… my heart is too pure for this world.
someone sweep me off my feet, someone make reality fake.
someone hold me, someone let me hold you. 
it’s out there.
fairy tale romances and neon dreams. 
i’ve got my ticket.
im waiting in line.

take a number.

 

Oh, Boo Hoo,  Poor little broken sara. Always torturing herself over and over. I must have listened the damn smiths too much or something. Jesus,

 

This next one is even too embarrassing for ME to post. But I’ll to you what it was. Part of a scene copied and pasted manuscript style from American Beauty. Why couldn’t it have been American Psycho?? Why??

 

[protected post] here i am on the useless tip. [Sep. 8th, 2002|04:33 am]
[ mood | weirdweird ]
[ music | division of laura lee- need to get some. ]

4:00 am.

awake.

yes of course.

mindset: stuck in the present.

mindset: depressed.

mindset: stuck in the present.

stop.

i know.. that when i think of the future, everything feels euphoric… perfect even.. but when im in mode present, i want to rip my tongue out and clean the floor with it.

what’s it feel like to be important. see. i dont know.

what’s it feel like for people to look at a thousand pictures of you and go awwww.. she’s the kind of girl i want to hug.

mindset: useless

mood: hopeless

mindset: fucked

the future is promising, i just have to get through today, and tomorrow… i got through yesterday ok didnt i?

make me feel important.

i’ll smile for days.

ignore me like usual…

mindset: wasted youth

mindset: gone

it’s not that bad i heard someone say, it’s not that bad.. when you only make friends when youre drunk.

energy. i had some 2 minutes ago. then, it drifted away.

my boss saw me staring off in to space 100 times today.

my friend was at my door, i turned around.. she asked if my dog was going to kill her.. i turned around, i didnt know she was at my door.

what the hell is up with me.

customer today at work goes.

“how long does 1 hour processing take?”

i had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.

i swear.. i dont really take life seriously.

today my friend said 
“you focus too much on stupid things… maybe if you’d stop, people would be more receptive to what you say”

she said that because i said im a boring person and felt abandoned.

i couldnt help it.

i was in one of “those” moods. 

where is my guide?

my mentor?

damn.

mindset: better.

mindset: future focused.

im looking for another job already, for what all i do in the photolab… 5.70 doesnt cut it.

i might pick up a second job.

mindset: occupied.

i cant sit here in the morning feeling useless… i’d work 24 hours if i could.

24 hours of keeping my mind busy.

it’s times like this where i hate myself.

you dont hate yourself?!

man people hate it when i say that to them.

mindset: frustrated

mindset: immobile.

i bite off more than i can chew.

damn my room just got cold.

the vagueness of my entries has been akward, what the hell is the point of this thing anyway.

beauty, what is beauty.

define real.

after all, youre just like a picture… another photo op memory in my head.

im done typing this.

the present is already gone..

i made it didnt i?

the world is my playground, but you’d hurt me if you talked about someone else.

i say i’m better off alone.

but guess what everybody, 

i was just kidding.

[protected post] my thoughts are bouncing round the room… [Jul. 19th, 2002|05:23 am]
[ mood | refreshedrefreshed ]

Whats past is past. You can’t change it, you can’t reconcile differences… I don’t know, you get this creeping suspicison people are talking about you, then you snap back in to reality.. and realize.. they aren’t. What happens? You put on your defense mechanism and become the horrible person you never wanted to be… then long… yes long to be the person you once were. Then only then comes the bullshit lies and stories, you realized you lost the one person who actually cared about you, in search of something that doesnt exist, you leave the little people behind. The nice guy may not finish first, but at least they finish… at least they were in it to begin with. A lot of the times.. I want to be hot… I want everyone to want me, just by flashing my eyes at them.. “omg she’s so fucking hot” Then I come too.. and realize.. they dont want me, they want a piece of ass. If personalities were looks, i’d look like milla jovovich. Sometimes I get so consumed in my own thoughts I dont ever consider others(their thoughts) or them period. I will sit here and think and think and think, until I make myself so mad at someone.. when I talk to them I am a complete and total bitch.. and they are just like sara wtf?! Then I realize.. omg, I totally have no reason to be acting like this. Last night, this girl was in my dream… we used to be friends… she turned out to be shady like a lot of people I know, i dunno.. story about her has been told a million times… I cant be friends with anyone who lives remotely close to hamilton. In the dream, I smiled at her my real smile, the smile I get when I know I have good friends.. I dont know why she was in my dream, but today I had the half hearted urge to give her a phone call. I can’t hold a grudge, I cant hate anyone. My head is full of so many hopes and thoughts.. and what do we want as humans.. someone whom we can share all these wonderful insights with. This journal has helped me a lot, because I think so much.. and I type faster than I think.. and lord knows *I* cant even read my own handwriting. Thus this becoming an outlet for many a troubled person. I hate how it’s turned in to nothing but drama though, everyone wants a livejournal, everyone wants to berate each other, its a way to get revenge, it;s a way to hurt people. Why cant we all just love. This society was never formed on love, and of course the hippies were called freaks because all they wanted was peace, and then come ravers who pretend to be about peace and they all turn out to be fucking morons. Youre either on my level or you arent… everyone loves a good intelligent conversation now and then. Too bad there isnt anyone I can have that with at this moment. I miss my conversations with erin, we used to have the greatest intelligent conversation analyzing things to the point of insanity, but lately.. I’ve just been in my own world, kind of taking a break from attachments and the world. After my total and completely ridiculous breakdown at showing the love, I feel like myself again. Ready to take on the world. I sit here smoking cigerattes… wondering about how im gonna turn out in 10 years… generally, I know i’ll be ok, personally.. I never think I can make it in a world so set on looks and money. I’d be happy in a little apartment, a cat, and a job that I love… I dont care about money, I never did. it’s just another object to get in the way of true utter happiness, if we were not so wrapped up in materialisitic things, I think a lot of people would be happier. Money is the key, and to tell you the truth, i’ve never been miserable without it. I watch people all the time, and I wonder how their life is going, I wonder if anyone is happy.. I wonder too much.. been like that since I was a kid, shoving all the knowledge I ever could in to such a wandering mind, I am so full of useless information it’s sick. In my world though, there has to be a reason for everything, there has to be an answer, and when there isnt an answer I get frustrated. It’s why I dont believe in god, “so god created the world” thats NOT an appropriate answer where the fuck did god come from, and why did he just decide to make everyone hate each other? I’d like to think I know more than the average person, and sometimes I think I do.. i know I see more than most people do because I observe quietly and draw my own conclusions. I absorb everything, I ask a million questions, it might make me annoying, but you know.. I like to be right. I’m content with the world i’ve set for myself, and I know there are millions of other people who are more intelligent than I but you know.. that doesnt make me a puppet in a dull society of bills and rules. Just because it’s wrong in your head, doesnt mean it’s wrong in mine, hell I love to hear others opinions.. because you know, knowledge is power, and the more you know the more you grow. Don’t close your mind to the bullshit standards set in america, I dont give a fuck who said so, what makes them more important than you? what gives them any right to tell you how to live your life, hell if you want to live in the woods and make pipe bombs.. go for it, become a cult leader.. if people listen to you charasmatic words.. then i”d say hell man, you’ve got a fucking gift! But if you want to go around listening to this and that because so and so said to! Youre just as fucking dumb as a dog who goes back to the owner that beats them repeatedly. Im sick of everyone going around trying to be model citizen usa… why impress anyone, you were born on this planet, you learn what you can and you grow from your experiences. Criticizing and judging is so invalid, what gives you that fucking right? Rights. We have rights as citizens.. this is free speech right here, you are breathing it. Things arent half as bad as they seem, and if you live day to day and stop worrying, maybe you’ll be ok. Until then smoke some pot, kick back, relax, and enjoy something that some people dont even get the opportunity to have. Life. Live life.
Live your life… dont let the little things get you down. Respect the breath that you breathe… this is a fantastic thing that all of us take for granted. Youre life isnt over yet, it’s just begun.

 

Geez Louise! Was I troubled or what?  This is getting exhausting I am moving to a new Journal. 2005 Style, we’re doing some time traveling! Okay, I lied same Journal still. I just can’t stay away! 

[protected post] define real for me please. [Jun. 26th, 2002|02:18 am]
[ mood | tiredtired ]
[ music | Oasis – Wonderwall ]

Yesterday was the day from hell, but I spent it with squeaks so it was all good.
my car is dead. dont know what’s wrong with it, tried to start it 594460496 times, it didnt work.it’s sitting in price hill right now. oh well. my mom had to come pick me up at leia’s house in northern kentucky, I have shit luck sometimes. but I guess this means 2 things. 1. I have to get a job and 2. people will have to come pick me up. thats something different. probably wont happen though, but.. oh well. whatevers clever, if it means I have to sit at home every weekend, so be it, i’ll find out who my real friends are.
im not stressing though, my car will probably be fixed by the end of this week, im usually in a big hurry to get it fixed, but at this point in time I couldnt give a fuck less. im tired of it, im tired of it all, I put 46,000 miles on my car in the past 2 years. I need to slow down on driving, because I am the only one that ever drives anywhere. blah.
People are stupid, and yes i’d say 99 percent of them are mindless, unintelligent, shallow, self centered, egotistical, big headed, narccisistic assholes. I wish I had ego, self esteem and pride. but those are hard to find buried underneath your constant stream of flaws. the negative things stick out in your life, who remembers when someone did something nice for you, oh.. hey they dont, but I do remember everytime you told me to fuck off, everytime you made me want to punch something, everytime someone made fun of me for being overweight when I was in high school, everytime a stranger would snicker at me because I was ugly, thats what I remember. thats what im used to. it’s hard to be positive in a world full of negative feelings.
and you can build me up as much as you want, but listen.. my safety net broke a long time ago, so no matter how high up I may seem, i’ll always fall in a matter of seconds.
fuck, I did change. for myself I changed. im happier? I suppose. i’ll be older, and none of this will matter, nothing will matter at all. it’s already depleting.
the bad memories are fading away.
it’s not like i’d ever bring them back to surface anyway.
it’s sad to see how you are treated differently when something about you changes.
society.

 

Digging up buried bones feels good. 

 

 I woke up shaking, try and analyze this. [May. 13th, 2002|09:44 am]
[ mood | scaredscared ]

I dream all the time. 99 percent of the time. I have pleasant dreams. but the reason why I am awake at this moment. is because I had one of the most terrifying vivid nightmares of my life. I told it to my friend on aim like 20 seconds ago. so I’ll just paste it.

Oogmerk513: man
Oogmerk513: I just had one of the worst nightmares of my life.
Oogmerk513: I had to physically force myself awake
Oogmerk513: it really had no point
Oogmerk513: I just remember these 2 girls 
Oogmerk513: that were my friends
Oogmerk513: having sex with this old creepy guy for money
Oogmerk513: and bragging about it
Oogmerk513: this girl I used to be bestfriends with
Oogmerk513: runs up to me in a theater and 
Oogmerk513: and fucking sticks a cigeratte between my pant legs I mean I could smell the cigeratte smoke, I could feel it hurting me.
Oogmerk513: causing me to get burnt
Oogmerk513: and saying how much she hates me
Oogmerk513: and runs away and I run after her screaming and crying and she looks me in the eye.
Oogmerk513: and screams about how I am one of them
Oogmerk513: and I am ruining things
Oogmerk513: I mean there was no orgnization to this dream at all
Oogmerk513: it gets worse
Oogmerk513: so all these people are up in my house
Oogmerk513: burning it down
Oogmerk513: robbing it
Oogmerk513: and there are cockroaches in my pants where the burn holes were
Oogmerk513: and then..
Oogmerk513: my mom and I were running away to go find help
Oogmerk513: her car had been ravaged and the trunk wouldnt close
Oogmerk513: but we got in anyway
Oogmerk513: and my hilbilly cousin brenda was good too she came with us
Oogmerk513: and we got help and started some sort of revolution
Oogmerk513: came back
Oogmerk513: the house was completely burnt down
Oogmerk513: we had most of the people under control, they were all tied up and we were ready to torture them, I think it was about 10-12 people
Oogmerk513: but this girl came up to me(who was one of the bad people)
Oogmerk513: and im already beaten enough
Oogmerk513: and says.. I have to punch you
Oogmerk513: someone sent me this message to beat the shit out of you
Oogmerk513: and so at this point
Oogmerk513: and this crazy guy appeared and said the devils work is a mastermind.
Oogmerk513: like some old guy with a crazy eye
Oogmerk513: this is where I try to wake myself up
Oogmerk513: and I thought I woke myself up
Oogmerk513: but I only woke myself up in my dream
Oogmerk513: I was in my room in my dream
Oogmerk513: and I was at kroger
Oogmerk513: and that same creepy old guy was there and mentioned the devil again
Oogmerk513: and I looked at my pants and the holes were still there..
Oogmerk513: then I finally woke up

 

What the fuck? I’m like an enigma. Shall we continue? 

 

 I wish I knew.. this is killing me. [May. 12th, 2002|09:28 pm]
[ mood | confusedconfused ]

MissErin88: now what if i said
MissErin88: you’re breaking my heart
Oogmerk513: I dont have the power to do that to you
MissErin88: you don’t?
Oogmerk513: no
MissErin88: how do you know.
MissErin88: your assumptions are goign to kick you in the ass
Oogmerk513: I couldnt do it
MissErin88: im glad you think you know everything.
Oogmerk513: I dont think I know everything
MissErin88: why do you think i got so pissy with you about amber

 

 

 it’s funny how things work out. [Apr. 23rd, 2002|05:41 am]
[ mood | contemplativecontemplative ]
[ music | mistress barbara- essential mix ]

I was reviewing for my psychology midterm today… and I decided to look at my critical thinking assignment due in two weeks.. I looked at the topic, and of course it had to be about suicide. *sigh* …steve. I am learning a lot in my psych class.. it’s really interesting stuff. We are learning about IQ tests.. chronological age over mental age… how to deal with old age, grief when someone dies.. it’s actually helping know more about myself and other people.
If I didnt already over analyze everything already.
soon we are going to be getting in to the chapters about drugs and self conciousness.

Lately, I havent been feeling like myself, I feel really worn down… mentally and physically exhausted, I always feel frustrated and that I am running in circles.. days go by so fast, and I rarely sleep at night. I just lose touch with reality every once in a while. I do ok though, I usually am strong.

I question everything, lately… I have been questioning EVERYONES intentions.. in my mind its like I think, what do they want from me? why are they in my life?
do they really care? At this point in my age, it’s the intimacy vs. isolation stage, where you question whether or not people care about you.. but I think I have always questioned that, but now I am doing it even more. I just think that deep down there is a wickedness that lies in humans an evil human nature, It’s like I look around and see snarling creatures.. feeding off each others weaknesses, taking their own selfish wants and desires and inflicting it on the innocent people. BUT then I wonder.. are there any innocent people? everyone tries to wear a hard mask, but sometimes.. if you look closely.. you can see a child in a person’s eyes. They never wanted to change, they never wanted to be tough, but society pushed them, pressured them, in to being.. what the world wanted. everyone loves a bitch. I’m not a bitch… do you love me?
Maybe I should be a psychologist.. I just want to know what everyone is thinking, why they act the way they do, how they really feel. I am so tired of people only telling me half of what they think, but I am a sara.. I usually find out one way or another anyway. 

I secretly sit, observing everything… I see a lot of shit go down, but it’s sad really.. I have nobody to share it with. My secret observances help me see people in a different light. and yes, if you know me, I have probably secretly watched you, your intentions, thought about the way you dress, act, laugh, talk.. smile.. I know more about you than you’d like to think I do. I bet I am scaring some people right now. haha. Just know… that in your actions, you are not alone, you think you are unique.. you think you are different. but sometimes… the most ordinary appearing people, are the ones that are the most fucked up, the ones that seem normal.. are the ones I pay the most attention to. in the words from the movie angus “there is no normal” There are imaginary audiences.. this is what draws some teenagers to either look completely
plain, or stick out like no tomorrow.. imaginary audiences.. they are the people that ARENT really watching you.. but you think they are. Nobody really gives a fuck what you do, I dont know why people are so concerned about it. I recall erin and I walking through dayton mall.. and seeing these girls dressed in gaudy, provactive outfits… of course erin was prone to look their way.. and the girls had made a comment.. “why dont you stare a little harder” dur.. thats what they wanted in the first place… some people really love attention.. it’s a fix. what’s your fix? haha.

I am sick of questioning everything, I shouldnt sit around and wonder whether or not someone is a friend to me.. I shouldnt get thoughts in my head that I am being used. but sometimes.. those thoughts ring clear on a sunny day… why? because everything cant be perfect. 
I hate feeling alone in a world of billions. but I am used to it, thats why I question everything and dont trust anyone. I dust everything off with my white glove, but the glove can never stay clean. My vision is clouded, and sometimes I think im on the right path. I either need to stop thinking so much, or become a hermit..
There is so much to the world that I need to figure out, and so much more to experience and learn, and feel and see.. I would never give up. Sometimes I think I know all I need to know, then other times.. I still feel like a naive little child, with her big blue eyes.. seeing something new every day.

Life really isnt that bad, experience it.. dont just live it, hell you only get one chance.. make your life worth the ride. smiling is contagious, and so is happiness. do what makes you happy, if you lead, maybe others will follow.

If anyone is wondering, no I am not stoned right now.

 

Oh, God. I could vomit on myself.

 

 

[protected post] for those of you that dont know… [Apr. 7th, 2002|08:14 pm]
[ mood | lovedloved ]

So erin and I were having a heart to heart today, and everything was made clear to me.. why I am so nice.
I am not shallow, because. how I used to look, I had to deal with things that nobody could even fathom dealing with. I will never judge a person on looks, I see through them. they could be so beautiful on the outside, but so hideously grotesque on the inside. you could use this as a euphemism if you want, but sometimes, you can actually see this oozing nasty beast. 

If I say, I want to be a bitch, it will never happen, because I cant do it. I never will be able to, I seem to have a level of compassion for humans that nobody else carries, yet I have no patience for anyone. I want to see the innocence in every single person, because I know its there. I look at people.. trying to act tough, but I still see a frightened child inside their withered hearts. If you have been stepped on you stand taller than you ever were before, or you stand smaller than you ever thought yourself to be. I couldnt be mean to anyone, because my conscience tells me that it’s wrong. Don’t put someone down to feed your insecurities, that is not what life is based on, its not what being human is about. My heart is twice the size of the average person, and I am always willing to forgive, no matter how mean someone tells me to act. 

I am sorry. I kill them. I kill them with kindness.

 

And then I became that bitch I never said I’d be. Oh well, people change. 

 

Okay, so we cheated and time traveled to 2005. I was becoming too exasperated by… me. 

 

 

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005

Subject: Let me safely say…
Time: 1:36 am.
Mood:  creeped out.

That the two or so years that I have been on myspace, this message wins the super ultra creepy extraordinaire award:


Date: Nov 2, 2005 12:59 AM Flag spam/abuse. [ ? ]
Subject: No Subject
Body: hello,
I read a critique/character sketch based on you…. and I have to say it was
one of the most beautiful things I have ever read, the tonality of the
writing, the usage of verb and abstraction was spectacular.. and the symmtry
of the description was so precise yet so delicate.
and it’s wierd because he was a really mean asshole and nasty when he did
the critiques of the other girls, but yours was so fucken beautiful I almost
fell in love with you…. he made you seem like some kind of magical
seamstress that appears over and over again… and I’ve read it more than 20
times… I even printed it out and took it to school with me….
I’ve read almost 300 of his critiques… and yours was the first that is
genuinely compassionate… one would think you are the woman he loves….
don’t worry you don’t have to reply to me…. I know I sound stupid… but I
just wanted to tell you that your character sketch was beautiful…oh and the painting he made of you was cool too 🙂

P.S. may I add you as a friend please? and all your friends know, but they weren’t supposed to tell you…

 

Never, in my life…

 

 

Seriously, probably not one of the weirdest messages i’ve ever received but it made the list. 

 

So Blah Blah I am in my 20’s now at Miami University, but I know the incident is coming up soon.

Subject: Getting Off
Time: 6:43 pm.
Mood:  satisfied.

Elation phoned me up at 3:00 am Thursday morning wanting to have sordid phone sex while I dialed up Desperation in an attempt to allure Loneliness into my unkempt apartment. All the while apathy was waiting to take a bath with me. I didn’t know if I wanted to brush up against her monotone demeanor or her sexy pessimism. Elation got pissed off and I just wanted to piss in her coffee. so I told her in a very calming voice “no, I’m not excited, at all.” So she showed up at my house wielding a dull butcher knife with wide eyes and a sickeningly plastered grin. While desperation was already climbing through my window (of course I forgot to lock it) with a 9mm strapped to her hips and I felt like this was going to turn into a death match between Tanya Harding and Mike Tyson. Albeit, no biting off extremities this time. Fuck, if only I would have paid the extra 50 bucks for front row seats. Now I’m sitting here in my bedroom with the door open and my pants down, & of course reliable loneliness shows up; she hands me a vibrator and says “go fuck yourself” and bolts hastily out the door. I was bewildered by the hostility, but in no way indignant. While the other broads were carrying on with some fucking violent nonsense (quite loudly and over dramatic) in the kitchen. I just sat in my room watching full house re-runs. I’m so over those cunts. There’s no way they could sneak past my wry & immoral view of selfish self satisfaction. I overheard my kitchen turning into a lovely self deprecating ego murdering nasty scene. Good thing I’m just some fucking arrogant bitch, or, by now, I’d have desperation force feeding me affection while I slowly & agonizingly drill my brain out with a fucking wine bottle corkscrew.

 

I always did have a special place in my heart for that one. 

 

Moving on.. We’re almost done.

 

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

 

Subject: it’s just that time.
Time: 5:57 am.
Mood:  cold.

I feel like updating. I guess you could consider me “not of sound mind” right now. I’ve been instant messaging people with no reply. i’m sitting outside,54 fucking degrees out, mind you, it’s almost june. 5:58 in the morning. I’d be in my room updating, but for some reason I can’t connect to the internet from our wireless connection. My dad probably forgot to pay the bill or something. So, right now I am updating using someone else’s wireless internet connection. I should be in Oxford right now, dogsitting for my future roommate (my god I love that boy to death). But, since my mom is in the hospital I promised my grandma i’d take her to go see her in the morning. I have the key to my future townhouse though, so once I am done with visiting poor mum , i’ll go hang out in Oxford watching tv and walking dogs. My god, i’ve never felt such a relief on my shoulders.. the freedom to move away from this hell hole. I honestly hate going home anymore, and my friends, well, they aren’t too big on partying. Due to my stubborness though, I force them to stay out until 5 am. So it’s 6 am. I am home. I stole a jean jacket from a gay club since nobody claimed it. Why is my life so fucking mundane? Why can’t I write with the preciseness of plath, or marianne moore, or gertrude stein. Every detail is explicit and raw, vomited up purely perfect on a piece of college ruled paper. Here I am stuck, yes, feet stuck in a cement pond.. I am a dreamer. It’s not fair. Why couldn’t I be one of those dumb fucks who cheats my way through college? Why can’t I pursue something like business, or communications and get some piece of shit job that gets me enough money to purchase the entire Ikea catalogue. Instead, I sit here, on this porch, reluctant to enter my house. I smell like dolce and gabanna cologne that I sprayed on myself before I left the car tonight. It’s almost an intoxicating smell. The future petrifies me, although, I do live day to day. But, every day can’t be filled up with parties and being doped up on pills. I feel euphoric for a short period of time, then it goes away. The headache returns, and the aching pain in my left side (I have no idea what this is cause from.) I’m sitting here thinking about responsibility, and motivation, drives, and academic competition. What do other people think about? What lipgloss looks best on them? Or, if their jeans make their ass look fat? The amount of insecurity a human being harbors astounds me. So again, here I am stuck.. stuck to a wall, flypaper has gotten me once again. I wonder if I am a good person. I wonder if my life will turn out okay. Who the fuck coined the term “it’ll get better” anyway? I’m running in place, i’m on the recumbent bike. Of course the fucking thing doesn’t go anywhere. Why can’t I seem to grasp the concept of simple human emotions? Why must I volley back and forth between ambiguity and ambivalence? How can I love and hate life at the same time? I know for a fact that my body is going to shut down before my brain does. I went to sleep really early last night. I woke up at about 6 am, let the dogs out, and played frisbee with my hoss. My brother screams out the window “you woke me up.” Of course, out of instinct I promptly ignored him. I know for a fact that lots of people begin their days at such an early hour, and why is it his concern that I was actually trying to interact with my most precious pet. The “boy” (aged 26) has no concept of reality; he has not even seen my mom in the hospital since she got her surgery. I don’t understand why she’s so nice to him. I’m not blaming her for raising a piece of shit human being. In fact, I am not blaming her for anything at all. To be honest, I think he’s clinically insane. He honestly has no concept of interpersonal communications, or the fact that “etiquitte” even exists (except when he’s selfish and cries like a baby over something self made). Enough. I’m wearing this stolen jacket, with a pleasureable manly smell springing from my body. Everything is useless to me anymore. I mean, yeah I strive in college, it’s probably the only thing that keeps me waking up every morning. But, superficial banter I deal with everyday, well, all it tries to do is make me conform. Yes, she jokes a lot. Yes, she’s funny, all it is.. well, it’s a ruse. It’s just another way of saying “hey, i’m just alone as you. let’s make jokes to make life okay.” I’m not really depressed, just awfully confused. I’ve got a reminder written on my hand to call the orthodontist in the morning. What’s my problem? Why can’t I function? 

Why, must I continually malfunction during what would be “normal” human instinct? 

I guess i’m a maverick. And I am going to die a maverick. Accident prone or not, my future holds no particular “uplifting” promise.

One day, maybe i’ll understand the grand scheme of things. I think maybe i’m too intelligent for my own good. Although, i’ve been called “aloof”. More than likely, it’s just an act. 

Just don’t ask me to do a quadradtic equation for you. But, if you want to know about varieties of fascism, plutocracies, injustice, or just the “gigantic chessboard” of the American Empire, and it’s relentless plan to rule the eurasian balkans (a.k.a control the world). Read the news, upheaval in uzbekistan, problems in kahzakastan, military bases in afghanistan and turkenmanistan. Let me know. Your future is bleak. Don’t get your hopes up that some piece of shit politician is going to step up and realize that there’s such things as “people before profit”. We are just pawns, in this game, used condoms, capitalistic commmodities. None of it will ever stop. People are weak. People are collective. People are blinded by seductive pseudo government ideals and “democracies”. It’s just a myth, dudes. Your life is as meaningless as a cockroach killed in a seedy ghetto street. I might get more out of life (luckily) than some ignorant son of a bitch. But, hey, what can we say? We’ve got those ignorant uneducated minds to serve us, because they don’t know any better. It’s such a shame. A friend of mine, told me I need to tone down on the empathy.. but maybe tune more into sympathy. It’s a fucking curse I tell you. This brain, this life, this era. We’re all fucked. And to think, at one point, I didn/t even think I was smart. Funny how situations change so abrubtly.

Wow, I wish I could sleep. I might as well just stay up for the next two and a half hours; there’s really no point in sleeping. My poor brain is already way too gone to even think rationally. Where’s the depth in my life? Where’s the situation that makes my brain hurt? Maybe it’s just Ohio. There’s other people out there. I constantly need stimulated. Apparently, this plan is failing miserably.

Whose life isn’t boring?

 

What? I was feeling deep I guess.

 

 

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005

Subject: blah blah blah blah
Time: 12:38 am.
Mood:  depressed.

It’s never me. I’m just an obscure reference.
I’m a dictionary definition that uses the word in the definition it’s defining.
I’m the third metaphor in your poem filled
With cliched meanings about how you’re a wilted flower
And my watering tin has run dry.
I’m just a speck of dust 
Circulating on my ceiling fan; I’ll never clean myself.
I’m just a tea pot screaming for attention because you’ve
Left me on the burner too long. I’m just a neglected typewriter
Wanting your fingers to caress my vowels and consonants. I’m just
Road kill on some filthy street being devoured by opossums. My charisma
Doesn’t outwit my looks in a game of chess and my neurosis is racing down
A hospital hallway in an electric wheel chair. I don’t drape my fabulous façade
Around my neck like some mink stole or cosmopolitan drink. I am up front with my 
Personality problems raising my hand like the smart kid in class. 
Soon the fabulous façade will go home to her lousy life making a laundry list of ways to commit suicide; 
while you start to realize; you’re not as dense as you want people to believe.

 

 

Subject: Since filtering seems to be the new trend..
Time: 2:15 am.
Mood:  apathetic.

If you are reading this it’s because:
1. I trust you won’t berate me
2. You have gone through a similar situation
3. I don’t think people need to see some things
4. I trust you won’t judge me
5. You know I am not trying to garner sympathy
 This has become too much. It’s like I electronically out a page of my journal to save nyself the pain.
Well, my dad came home drunk. He was nice and yeah, that’s cool and everything. I had to use the bathroom downstairs since our hall bathroom is broken and I didn’t want to wake my mom. To my disgust, I had found out he pissed all over the tile; I was half asleep and wondering what “wet” I had stepped in. So in an effort to cover it up; I poured bleach all over the bathroom floor and mopped, At 2:00 in the morning. What a good daughter I am. (At least he didn’t piss on the couch like he used to.)
My point being, WHY WHY WHY must you get drunk on a tuesday evening? I don’t just mean, “slightly buzzed.” I mean, falling down, “I don’t know how i made it home last night” drunk. Maybe he got drunk because it’s baseball season; I have no idea. BUT he could at least be responsible about it and keep his fluids in contained areas. (He’s fucking 55 years old for fuck’s sake) Whoa, I just realized how old he was.
After cleaning the bathroom floor, I looked at myself in the mirror, and I absolutely ABHORRED what I had seen. I looked like the monster I had always thought myself to be. I looked like the pathetic idiot I usually am. It made a lot of bad memories flood back into my head. It made me wonder the last time someone truly made me feel wanted. I can’t even vouch for that; I can’t even come up with a reasonable answer.
I’m just, waiting it out. Waiting it out.

Tuesday, January 11th, 2005

 

Subject: It hurts.
Time: 6:29 pm.
Mood:  sad.

Everything has finally become too much for me. I act so composed and calm and I just can’t do it anymore.

I guess when my dad said to my mom (and me) “I feel like i’ve wasted my life” that was the breaking point.

Yeah, great to know. What a wonderful fucking thing to say to your spouse.

I feel so very sad. I guess I am human after all.

It hurts so bad I can’t even breathe. Like that feeling you get after someone breaks your heart. That overwhelming feeling of despair.

I AM a waste. I am a piece of shit.

I feel like I have to throw up.

 

Well fuck that wasn’t even what gave me PTSD. I can’t believe I erased it. I was supposed to face it. I’ll just mak a long story short. My brother went into a rage one night because I wouldn’t open my door and he thought I was lying about not having any cigarettes. He full on Incredible Hulked my door with a rage I had never seen before OVER A CIGARETTE.  Busted the lock, the wood frame, I couldn’t even protect myself. He was trying to kill me. I had never been so scared in my life. He came to his senses and stopped. But to this day I still tense up when I feel his presence. I flinch and cringe if he even touches my shoulders. And every time I hear a door open or close I jump. I just want that to end. It’s been over 7 years. It’s got to end.

 

Well I hope you enjoyed mostly my years of being 19 with a little 21 in the mix.

 

Good Night.  

 

 

 

 

 

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