Retrospect.

So, in retrospect after rummaging through my attic of electronic dust filled journals.  It was never actually my dad who traumatized me. He may have left emotional scarring here and there, resentment, anger, the usual. That’s something I can conquer. It was my own brother. Who Tried to KILL me in a fit of rage that caused my PTSD. So thanks Kenny, I owe you one. You’ve ruined quite a few years of sleeping well for me. and the tenseness that remains in my body language, and my jumpiness. My own flesh and blood. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I will start my therapy soon the EMDR  will  Men in Black those memories somewhere safe and your traumatization will be nothing but a ghost left back with those attic journals. I just don’t know how I am going to forgive you for this. I don’t even know where to start. 

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  1. #1 by aspenlinmer on September 19, 2013 - 2:39 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I have personal experience with PTSD as well and I think dealing with these fears can be completely different than dealing with normal anxieties and “fears of life.”

    Honestly I don’t think we usually taught the tools to deal with the fears of trauma.

    I would love to know more of your story…I’ll keep reading.

    ~Aspen
    horcruxesheroesandharrypotter.wordpress.com

    • #2 by Frantic Living on September 19, 2013 - 6:10 pm

      See, my brother is Schizophrenic and he used to be very violent with his anger as an adolescent. He didn’t know how to control it so he naturally took it out on someone weaker than him. A lot of the PTSD I experience stems what was at first just psychological torture. But, there was some violence. He punched me in head once and lacerated my scalp. I lived in a constant state of fear. He would use a hanger to pick my lock to get in my room when I just wanted to be left alone. My dad had to install a special door handle on my door so that he couldn’t get to me. I have been staying at my parent’s lately helping out. He still lives here, he’s 34. I still lock my door and he still jiggles the handle and even sometimes threatens to break it down again. I was never given a fair childhood. And I wonder why I have to take benzodiazepines just to leave my room. I don’t really wonder. I know why. With his schizophrenia he’s calmed down now that he’s older but he still has no sense of boundaries or respect or anything that normal human beings should possess. I’ve threatened him with knives when I was younger and I was called the crazy one. And here I am in therapy unable to function and he still has no self awareness whatsoever. Thanks for commenting. I would like to hear your personal PTSD experience sometime if you wouldn’t mind sharing. I think what bothers me the most about the condition is the unwarranted unnecessary fear that you have to desperately try to keep under control. And the involuntary jitters you get when you hear a trigger noise, like for me it could be anything especially a door opening or shutting.

      • #3 by aspenlinmer on September 20, 2013 - 3:51 am

        Wow,

        What a story. Thank you for sharing.

        I completely agree with you about the involuntary jitters. I still deal with that. I can feel myself start shaking sometimes and I can’t stop it. Noises bother me a lot to…and I lock my bedroom door at night. 🙂

        It’s so nice to hear more of your story and see how similar your reactions are to my own. My story is still on in process. I am, as yet, unable to tell the whole story in a congruent manner. Whenever I try, i become very disjointed and don’t make much since.

        That’s why I started my blog. I found that I could process some of my experiences (and even tell some of the story) in conjunction with the Harry Potter series. Writing in reference with this story has freed me up and I am getting closer to telling my own story as it actually was.

        I’ll continue following your blog. I hope to hear more of your story in the future…and how you are learning to deal with things.

        ~Aspen

      • #4 by Frantic Living on September 20, 2013 - 5:28 am

        You’re never going to be able to tell the whole story. I mean shit, I got exasperated on one blog “Brother” it just highlighted some of the hell I was put through. I just used a couple of examples. I mean hell I’ve been so scared I’ve pulled on my brother before because I didn’t know what else to do. Then I was called the crazy little sister who chased her brother around with a knife. It’s hard to deal. Especially if this has been your whole life. But, I am trying new therapy, they use it on soldiers with ptsd. I just want to be able to relax to sleep to enjoy life without being so fucking scared all of the time without jumping at noises. HE took that away from me. I want it back.

        I hope to hear more from your in the future. But yeah, keep the blog and write things as the come to you. And the deeper and darker you go the better your story will be. Believe me I type with a lot if anger sometimes.

        Take Care,

        Sara

      • #5 by aspenlinmer on September 20, 2013 - 3:44 pm

        It’s really great that you have a place to let it out. Our society seems to frown on showing your true feelings a lot of the time but I think it is important to say what you are holding in so that you can heal.

        ~Aspen

      • #6 by Frantic Living on September 20, 2013 - 6:26 pm

        God isnt that the truth?  You even meet people who think are your level but they are entire different subspecies of human. People don’t want to face the truth.  So they bury elsewhere busy humanitarian helping each other blah de blah then you realize there’s a motive behind this behavior.  They are afraid of something. Maybe a trauma?  So they bury that fear by pretending to help others offering up stupid advice.  When they have no idea what it is like to face that truth.  It is liberating but other people don’t want to hear it.

        Sent from my Samsung Galaxy™ S II 4G

      • #7 by aspenlinmer on September 21, 2013 - 9:15 pm

        Well, yes, everyone is in a different place and understands things differently according to their upbringing, influences, experiences, desires, and even their genetics. It’s a wonder we are able to communicate at all…but then again it is deep experiences where we truly connect to others.

        ~Aspen

  2. #8 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 9:19 pm

    Yes, that’s why I am grateful I found this place. It’s nice to know other people can connect with likeminded people and not be judged merely, inspired and grateful they found someone else experiencing something similar.

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