Honestly?

I really didn’t want to write this but it would hurt me too much inside if I just let it fester. I try to do good. I try to be honest and friendly and open. Yet, it somehow always seems to backfire on me. I haven’t felt this much hurt in such a long time I forgot what it felt like. And honestly, it sucks. It feels like an ulcer mixed with a severed heart mixed in with an ongoing panic attack. I am just fucking naive sometimes. I still believe there’s hope in humanity. I still believe in the kindness of strangers. But, since I am an such an idiot I don’t know how to effectively deal with such situations of anger. I did my best and I still hurt. But, it will heal. I just didn’t want it to be tonight. I just want some peace.

**Edit.

You know what, no. I didn’t want to be put in this position in the first place. I am highly sensitive and also extremely curious. I started opening about my PTSD past and how it still affect me to this day. I noticed that my stuff was also being posted on Tumblr and I have a Tumblr account. I came across this one “tumbl” about ptsd. And it appeared to me the way someone was posting that they were threatening their lives. I have had TOO much traumatization with suicide in my life. I couldn’t bare anymore. I begged myself not to intervene but I couldn’t stop. Long story short, nobody was going to hurt themselves and I am just I don’t want to be feeling this way right now. That’s all.  Wrong place, wrong time, always good intentions.

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  1. #1 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:15 am

    Of course there are always good intentions. Unfortunately, not everyone understands. Very frustrating.

    • #2 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:25 am

      Yeah, this just recently happened to me with someone who suffered from childhood abuse. They actually sought me out and found my real name and added me on facebook. I thought it was a genuinely sweet person. Then I made a joke about anxiety which I suffer from dearly and is almost paralyzing. I don’t know suddenly she was indignant analyzing every candid thing I had said to her. She eventually found me threatening after numerous apologies and mostly somewhat educated dissections. Yeah, she told me to just back off. Her and her “mate” think it’s best. I have never had that happen to me in my life. It was actually degrading and dehumanizing. This person had sought me out because we both had traumatic childhoods ?? Then just shut the door in my face. Over what? I thought her and I were just having a candid conversation. Oh, but I forgot, eventually she turned it around me saying I didn’t have time to help you then and I don’t have time now. What the fuck is that even supposed to mean? You try to reach out, make a connection, no matter who it is or where they are. But something just Some DARK MATTER fucks it up. When you are on honest to god genuine person. It’s us who suffers. We are scapegoated because we actually care and express our real opinions.

      Sorry to vent. This has been eating away at me for hours now.

  2. #3 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:32 am

    Don’t be sorry. The internet’s a good place to get it out. I must admit, It’s easy to scary people away when there’s talk of anything less than sunshine. And it’s easy to hate those people. Let’s look at this from a different angle though. Do you think that what you mentioned actually dredged up some bad memories for her? Perhaps she thought that contacting you would help, but then began to back slide. It could go either way. Was she superficial or was she afraid?

    • #4 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:36 am

      You know, it”s funny. I tried to explain things to her in so many different ways. She just felt more and more threatened. And, I was like, is she “reaching out” to fill a void that engulfs her soul? or is she actually a humanitarian with real feelings. She did at one point say that I was I don’t know flooding her with negativity or something like that? And she reaches out to keep “the hope” alive. Well, life isn’t like that. In order to feel happiness you must endure suffering. Or else you’re faking both emotions.

      • #5 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:40 am

        Perhaps she’s afraid of enduring more?

        Again, or she’s just superficial. Either way, it’s not on you.

      • #6 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:43 am

        Yeah and the reason I even pursued the whole damn thing is because I thought some poor girl was going to commit suicide. I have had like 4 suicides in my life now. I guess it just triggered something in me even though it wasn’t my business. I feel like such an asshole now.

    • #7 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:38 am

      And honestly, I think she was afraid. I am not afraid to visit the darkness when I know I am in control of it. And also, the mention of her and her partner not approving we chat?? that’s…kind of funny, don’t you think?

      • #8 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:41 am

        Why, did you guys date?

      • #9 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:02 am

        Oh no, we never dated. Her partner was a man. She was only 19 years old.

      • #10 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:03 am

        But, off the record she was spending an awful lot of time chatting with me.

    • #11 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:39 am

      Oh yeah and btw I scare them away by the cockroach nests. I mention one honest thing and all of a sudden. Silence. Oh man.

  3. #12 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:42 am

    “by the cockroach nests” ?

    • #13 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:43 am

      Uh, I couldn’t think of a good analogy for fleeing. lol.

      • #14 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:44 am

        Lol.

      • #15 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:46 am

        That was a bad one wasn’t it? lol. I used to be a creative writer dammit.

      • #16 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:50 am

        Noooooo worrriiiiies :-).

        Is that a trait for those with chronic PTSD? That we’re all writers and artists?

      • #17 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:51 am

        lol. Are you a writer or artist too? I’ve been there done that messed around I’m having fun don’t put me down. lol. Yeah I was a Researcher, Theatre major, and writer. And on the side: improv comic / DJ in the houuuse!

      • #18 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:56 am

        Well THAT’S fun! All of them seem to go along with each other except for… researcher? A researcher of what?

        Where are you based at btw? I’m in Chicago. Also, I’m a freelance tarot card reader and tea lounge manager. I host scary story shows where I work and do a lot of drawing, writing and feeling in my spare time.

      • #19 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 3:59 am

        That’s awesome! Maybe us PTSD’S are just free souls lol. I live in Cincinnati for the time being. I am actually contemplating getting my masters in therapy for the elderly or abused children. But after what happened today. Makes me question my therapy skills. lol

        Your life sound amazing.

      • #20 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 4:02 am

        It doesn’t always feel like it. I’ve put a lot of it on hiatus in favor of moping u u;.

      • #21 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 4:04 am

        No pressure, but of curiosity, do you have a video chat of some sort? It might be a bit easier to chat than waiting on messages. Again though, no pressure.

      • #22 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:00 am

        Oh, and the research bit. I used to be a dramaturg for plays. It was fucking fascinating the research I had to do to make these stories come alive.

      • #23 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 4:04 am

        Oh man. Details! That must require so many details! My head is spinning at the thought, lol.

      • #24 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:08 am

        if you have skype my username is sarasurreal

      • #25 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 4:14 am

        Okaaaaaaaayyyy… It’s loooooaaaadiiiing… I’ll call you in a sec. Uploading a post. :-).

      • #26 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:15 am

        Sweet!

  4. #27 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:04 am

    Moping? But why so sad?

  5. #28 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:05 am

    Well I look like crap but I can skype you without the video

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