Well, I managed to conquer the darkness once again. Sometimes I forget I have real friends unfortunately they are scattered across the earth. These are people who never judged me, who never made up lies about me, who listened when I was hurting, who took me in when I needed to escape. There were no questions, no excuses, no turning their backs. Just love and acceptance. I remember one time one of my friends even did my laundry. I will never forget the smell of her parents house. My own family never did my fucking laundry. I felt like these people and I share some sort ethereal connection. We don’t give so that we can take and we don’t doubt anyone’s intentions and we TRUST each other and we’re all so unique yet all the same. I just wish we could all l teleport to each other when called, like a bat signal. But, it just made me realize when I was able to talk to one true friend tonight who I have known for a very very long time and she listened to me unconditionally and didn’t turn her back on me. It made my heart swell with joy. It took me out of the darkness and back into the light, restoring hope once again. She lives about 3 and a half hours away from me. I am going to visit her and her husband very soon. I need to be amongst real friends who do not judge who only love and who know ME for ME.
Sorry, that last part sounded a little bitter but I just had this.. relationship.. well, I don’t even know what to call it. It lasted roughly a week. This person posts something peculiar on their facebook wall about me and at the same time defriended me. I simply stopped making contact a while ago hoping that we could just move on like adults are supposed to. I thought that would be easier. But when I came across that scribble:
it is so good finally finding out the truth – even if it didn’t come from the person who led me to believe the big old hunk of bullshit in the first place. At first it felt almost liberating, but now I feel like a fool for not only believing this “person,” but for ever caring for them to begin with. On the up side, thanks to the wonders of Prozac I don’t feel like…I don’t know…jumping off of a bridge? So, you know, yay me right?
It’s been eating at me ever since. And quite frankly, yes I am dying to know what was the supposed mystery truth about me. Hell, I mean I sound like a circus attraction. I’d buy tickets to find out. But the other part of the me, the part that cares for the oppressed and the sick and abused and the decaying. Makes none of what was said even worth it. While, I have been trying to be a good humanitarian they spent their idle brains gossiping what is probably lies. I’ve always known that people talk about me but I never cared to ask what they thought. Why? Because they didn’t ask ME. I don’t know what’s so fucking special about me that makes me the talk of the town. But I do know that I know me. I know who I am not what this supposed facade of me is. My real friends know me. my family knows me. They know how much pain and suffering I endure every day. How much mental ANGUISH i put myself through for no reason. How much I love. How much I care. How sensitive my soul is. How introverted and isolated I always feel. And you know, if people would just stop jumping to conclusions and listening to vindictive little ants and maybe look at the bigger picture. Maybe they would know me. Maybe not. The one thing that makes me happiest is seeing other people happy by what I have done. I bet they didn’t know that. Anyway, sorry to go on so long with this nonsense. I just really needed to get it off my chest. I hate that I don’t understand why I am so hated.