Insane?

No, truthful. How did you feel the last time someone told you the absolute truth to a situation? I know I didn’t feel good. I felt indignant at first then resentful then remorseful  then numb, when it all started to sink in. This was when my therapist not only confronted about my family’s knack for sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior as defense mechanisms. But, what made me not want to look at her was when she  said, “You cause chaos around you when you don’t get what you want”. Ouch. Dagger in the fucking heart. She eventually said, Sara, look at me. I didn’t want to. I was so agitated, so  angry. I didn’t want to be there anymore. But, I faced her and I eventually put the clues together about my family’s behaviors and reactions. I saw things so much more clearly before I was stuck in that emotional garbage of a brain. The point is I didn’t want to hear the truth it made me come face to face with myself. And if that wasn’t the scariest moment of my life, then I’ll be damned. Because, facing who you really are is one of your worst fears. Recognizing your programmed behavior because you knew nothing else? Self awareness, whether you’re a needy asshole or selfless because you didn’t think you deserved anything. It’s like a new awakening. I know we are all  are so scared to look inside and find the truth. But, even the truth, while stinging, Neosporin and bandaids will fix you right up. These are not scars, they are just wounds. Emotional scars, don’t really heal. You can tell yourself a thousand times how great you are. Repeat affirmations processes  you learned during Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. For instance, Mind reading, Automatic Negative Thoughts, Worst Case scenario, etc.  But, that still doesn’t rid that feeling so deep inside you that you can’t even pinpoint its location. That’s always going to be with when you look in the mirror or suddenly wake up or forget something that was important to you. That sheer terror will come flooding back into you involuntarily and you ask WHY?? Why is this happening? Because you chose to bury your traumas and fears. You placed them somewhere in the brain, mostly the prefrontal cortex. Front row seats. And you ask yourself but i’m doing so much better. Are you? Are you really? A million affirmations will never erase the emotional scars permanently  tattooed somewhere in your brain. No matter where you choose to make that imprint. It’s ALWAYS there. I guess, the point of this post is it’s better to accept the truth and not fight it. The more you fight it the more lost you becomel lost and complacent. You have no voice no opinion no sanity. What you think might be sane is actually your avoidance of the truth. Trying to fill that endless void that plagues  you day and night. It took me 10 fucking years of therapy to finally face the truth. And although it was painful and I wanted to run and hide and believe it wasn’t true. It was. And then guess what? I was able to let all that negativity go. I know it’s a painful process, but if you don’t dig deep inside your psyche. You’ll remained tortured forever and not even realize it.  Angry but unaware why. Spiteful because it nests in your bones. Why? Because that was normal to you. It was learned behavior. The brain is capable of many extraordinary things. For example, Neuroplasticisty. This means your brain still has room for improvement, you’re still able to store something new, something unknown. The human brain will never cease to fascinate me. Human society however, I don’t even want to even dissect that horror show.

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  1. #1 by Samantha Dresden on September 21, 2013 - 3:20 am

    I’m going through therapy as well right now. It kills. You’re right, it’s never fun to have to really look at yourself. On the one side, it’s helpful. On the other side, it’s a real good way to make you feel even more damaged than you already do. Owchies.

  2. #2 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:22 am

    At least with therapy they don’t blame yourself for your fucked up noggin. lol.

  3. #3 by Frantic Living on September 21, 2013 - 4:23 am

    Oh yeah and my latest diagnosis, I have some sort of personality disorder where I am incapable of letting anyone love me. that’s a new one, but I understand respectively.

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