Fuck This.

Fuck everything. I am done.

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  1. #1 by No Virgin Mary on October 1, 2013 - 9:22 pm

    deep breath, dude.

    Every time my brain tells me it’s time to give up, i have to work really hard to get through to my sane-brain and ask it to take over the controls again, because it’s let sadsack out to stomp on all the goodfeels.

    like when i quit smoking once, i only got through it by saying “yeah. i totally CAN have a smoke. later. if i still want one”.

    i started applying that to braintalk.. “yeah. i can end it. later. if i still want to” and i forced myself to come back 15 minutes later and ask again. If I asked myself 3 times and still vehemently answered “yep. i still want to” .. well, ok. Adios, amigo.

    but i never made it to that third time.

    by the second, i was like “nah, i have a new emotion that’s being the loudest now. sadsack is still there, sulking, but she apologised for being a dick and now angerface is here, so i’m probably just gonna go and punch a cushion or something”.

    Deep breath, dude.

    *across the internet hugs*

    • #2 by Frantic Living on October 2, 2013 - 1:04 am

      There are multiple personalities inside me. The substance abuser, the angry child, the charismatic actress I want to know who they are. it is driving me mad.

      • #3 by No Virgin Mary on October 2, 2013 - 1:33 am

        I know the feeling.

        At the moment I’m actually struggling with NOT wanting to know. I’ve only recently accepted my diagnosis, so a lot of stuff is flooding me right now.

        But yes. I know the feeling of wanting to know who these multiple people are that have set up camp inside my head. I want to know why they’re here and what the fuck they want.

        I want to know what it will take to make them all agree, at least enough for me to move forward in life, instead of taking two steps forward as one personality, only to get dragged five steps sideways by another one.

        Sounds like your people would get along realllllly well with my people.

      • #4 by Frantic Living on October 2, 2013 - 1:44 am

        Indeed. I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2009. I didn’t want to believe it was true. it was the one diagnosis I was in denial about. I have been lying to my therapists ever since. I am ready to face the truth. It scares me to death.

  2. #5 by No Virgin Mary on October 2, 2013 - 2:20 am

    Same here – I was willing to accept any diagnosis but that.
    Now that I’ve accepted it, I’m still really ashamed of it. It feels so weak.. I know that’s stigma I just have to deal with, but I’m actually surprised that I even feel that way.

    In any case, I hope you can stop lying to your therapists, so they can help you out. I understand it – there’s stuff I need to come clean about with mine, too and my next appointment is tomorrow. Gotta bite the bullet and just … out with it.

    Hope you start feeling better xx

    • #6 by Frantic Living on October 4, 2013 - 12:17 am

      I tried to reply to you. I am not sure it worked. But after much digging, tooth and nail. I eventually found a place that can help me. My intake was today 2 fucking hours. I was shaking so bad after I left there that I was afraid I wouldn’t make it home. But, I did. And she was so compassionate and helpful and really actually WANTING to help me. Not demonize me or say that I can’t responsibility for actions. NO victim wants to feel that way. So yes, I was truthful for with her for the firs time. It scared the shit out of me, but I am ready to move on.

      • #7 by No Virgin Mary on October 4, 2013 - 1:03 am

        omg, well done!!

        I’m so glad you found a place that can help! My psych told me yesterday that she is retiring at the end of the month, and I live in a small town so I’m now going to have to travel maybe 2 or more hours away to get any help… I don’t drive… it’s not going to be easy, so I’m a bit disappointed… but that’s what makes me so pleased to hear that you’ve found somewhere that WANTS to help you.

        Somewhere with compassionate people who don’t make you feel like you do all this deliberately – I think that’s really one of the hardest parts of this to deal with.

        My boyfriend and I had a big talk about this same topic last night – he says that I use this (or anything) as an excuse to not take responsibility for things.

        I got angry, but then realised that.. well, that’s how it looks to him. He isn’t inside my head, where all the mess is – to him, I’m a jerk and I never take responsibility because I can’t help but do this shit…

        so I explained that it’s true – I can’t help it. Not right now, and not for the last 22 years… but now that I have a diagnosis? Now that I am being given tools to manage the mess that is inside my head, well now I can do something about taking responsibility for my actions.

        Its like a line has been drawn in the sand. One side is the past, messed up, not understanding why Me… on the other side is the potential to be whoever I want – and this time, I really can be.

        And so can you.

        Arr! I am so proud of you. It’s fucking terrifying doing what you did – exposing your weaknesses like that. Especially for people like us.

        You’re amazing, and yes – you are ready to move on.

  3. #8 by Frantic Living on October 4, 2013 - 1:48 am

    I could not feel your pain more. I hate being demonized for being a victim of something I didn’t want? I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t provoke it? It’s just fucked, you know? The “invisible illness”. I’ve been suffering for years. But it’s all in my head, right? RIGHT. Our heads our trauma our suffering. People don’t want to understand. Thanks for your response. YOU are amazing, too. ❤

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