3. You have bou…

3. You have boundaries

You are probably not accustomed to having boundaries. In fact, many survivors never had boundaries to begin with. A strange gift from the psychopathic experience is that you begin to find these boundaries. Some call it healthy narcissism, but I think self-respect is a better term. The problem is, boundaries & self-respect are completely foreign to you at this point. So when you begin to express these things, you feel like a selfish, abrasive jerk. When in reality, you’ve just stopped playing the role of a selfless doormat.

You may begin to find that old friendships & toxic dynamics fall apart as you become stronger. It almost feels as if you’re being punished for healing. But that’s not the case. You’re not psychopathic or narcissistic for having boundaries and expecting a decent level of respect in return. You’re just a regular human being with feelings. But you may be surrounded by people who don’t want you to be regular— they prefer the person who caters to their every need. So they make you feel bad for taking on healthier habits. This kind of conditioning can make you feel psychopathic and unempathetic, but again, that is not the case. That’s what happens when selfish people stop getting their way. When they fight for the status quo, because the existing dynamic suits them. But it doesn’t suit you, and that’s what boundaries help you realize. Just because you have to tell someone off or demand a bit of respect does not make you psychopathic. It makes you stronger. Every time you stand up for yourself, a part of your spirit comes back to life.

I get so confused sometimes I wonder if I have anti social personality disorder or whatever. Reading this passage made so much sense to me. I am healing I am trying to get away from bad habits. But, today, my dad said “don’t I owe you a 12 pack”. After I had reiterated I wanted to get quit drinking for good. God, give me strength to leave here.  MY next therapist session is on thursday. It’s going to trigger more bad emotions but I HAVE to get through this. 

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