So, today, I decided to return home for a little bit. Which I mentioned a little somewhat earlier about things my father had said to me. Anyway, I just needed to do some laundry and really needed cigarettes. My dad was more than obliged to help me out, even though I had to listen to his war of the roses story about my mom and her affair and seeking out men on facebook etc.. etc.. etc. So, I had to wait at my house for about 2 or 3 hours so I could get all my laundry done.
My mom, was the bitchiest one there. Which was odd, because she always used to pretend to take my side. But, she did alert me, like I didn’t already fucking know, that if the lint trap wasn’t cleaned out of the dryer, the house could catch on fire. I cleaned that lint trap earlier, putting SOMEONE ELSE’S LAUNDRY into the dryer, before I even had a chance to clean mine. Well, apparently, it got all linty again, and, again, I was lectured. How was I supposed to fucking know? I just wanted to throw my clothes in the dryer and get the hell out of dodge as fast as I could. I was skyping with a friend the entire time. She was trying to calm me down. But, I said my heart pounds so fast when I am here. And, my brother is on the porch pacing, I offer him a cigarette. He was afraid to tell his fiancee about his 5th DUI. He didn’t know what her reaction would be. He’s afraid of her, I think. Then he weighed himself, which ironically there’s a talking scale on our porch. It told him his weight in Kilograms. He tried to do the math, chalking up some theory in his mind. Apparently he only weighed 75 pounds, according the scale.
Aside from that tangent, while my brother was out cutting the grass, my parent’s were talking about his mental illness. Paranoid Schizophrenia. Often onset in the early teen years, which was very vehemently seen, yet, looked down upon, and shamed, and ignored. Like when he would pace the floors, or rock back forth in the bathroom talking to himself in his teenage years, or when he used to terrorize me. Which, today, hilariously, I was asked if I provoked any of it?? I said are you fucking kidding me? I used to have to chase him around the house with a knife so him and his friends would stop terrorizing me. My dad said he heard something on the news about mental illness, that when they’re 18 or younger, you can actively step in and do something about it. But once they’re an adult, there’s nothing you can do. No staging an intervention, etc. My brother is so far gone that he won’t even see a therapist because he thinks his work (UPS) reads his e-mails and would fire him for seeking out therapy. If that’s not paranoid… oh, what about his autoimmune disorder that a hooker infected him with, with a razor blade when he was younger, or the fact that his professors discriminate against him because he’s white, OR the fact that the urgent care was moved from a small plaza to a larger space across the street, just because they were trying to cover up his medical records. He’s convinced he has HIV but, has had more than several tests showing up negative results. There’s far more going on with his delusions to even write about it. So, that being said, I had to deal with that today.
Then with my dad and all his shit and about how he’s been depressed for 27 years and saying that stress caused his mother to get cancer. AND THEN, my mother trying to micromanage me and passively aggressively say to my dad “We need two children who need to learn how to take care of themselves”. Well, thanks assholes, maybe if you weren’t so selfish, you could have taught me these types of survival skills. Albeit, I am living on my own, I only ran out of money because I had to pay a backpay on an internet bill because I was TRYING to help my mother out of her depression. That’s my repayment? And they both ganged up on me because apparently I told my therapist they were bad parents. So, of course they threw in my face the fact that they’ve bought me cars, taken me on vacations, provided me with a place to live and eat and sleep. Yet, I can’t take responsibility for my own actions. NO SHIT. NEITHER CAN THEY. If they weren’t so blindsided maybe they’d see the errors of their ways.
But, no, it’s all because of me, wanting to seek therapy because I can’t take responsibility. Then why I am in therapy for fucking WAR VETERANS. If I had such a lovely comforting childhood. They don’t teach you how to be a human being functioning in the world in school. They only teach knowledge about said world. Your parents are the ones who are supposed to teach you how to survive. They were too busy getting their rocks off, gambling, drinking, having affairs, working too much, leaving me alone with grandparents and strange babysitters. Yelling at me because I had bad grades, punishing me, shaming me, blaming me, yet not looking into the problem that I might have a learning disorder? Pitting me against one or the other, forcing me to take sides, screaming and yelling, and blaming, shaming. And over and over and over again.
But, this is all my fault right? I should have known how to deal with finances, that they constantly screamed at one another about. I had to hide in my room hoping the screaming would end. I should have known about credit scores, when they filed for bankruptcy. I should have known about resumes, when my mom was an independent contractor, and my dad never told me one thing about his job. But, I should have already known how to do all this, right? Oh, god, at least I can vent in here. I don’t ever want to bother people with my bullshit. I don’t ever want to ruin anyone’s day. I just try to survive, which is what I am doing now, the best I know HOW to do, since I was not taught any of that as a child. I know people will say bullshit things like you can’t blame your parents or whatever bad life choices you made etc. BUT, however, I was not given a manual, a survival guide, a teach yourself how to live like an adult, book. So, I did things my own my way. And yes, I may still have my intelligence, despite the fact that it was overlooked many times by our failing public school systems and selfish self involved adult children parents.
I am still by the wayside, trying to figure out how to get by, and still listening to their bullshit complaining 30 years later. I am so sorry. I just had to get that out. I do hope I am not judged. Materialism is not love, it is not parenting, it is not teaching, or evolving, it’s just “here’s some money kid, now get out of my way.”
Okay, I am spent.