So much still to process so overwhelming and scary..

God damn I have only been through 3 hours of this CPT therapy and its ripping me to shreds. I mean first thoughts; anger, always. Second thoughts confusion confusion and more confusion. The thing is I have not been “myself” in probably over 15 years. Now I have to face it? I don’t want to but I have to. Because I cannot live like this any longer in a constant state of fear? And I have no idea how hips got so damaged that they need to replaced!? I just realized my body has been stuck in fight or flight mode for over ten years and I have no idea how to relax or let that tension go. Doctors always say to me now just relax your muscles relax and I am like I DON’T KNOW HOW ASSHOLES. Sorry, thoughts flooding like I opened the main flood gate. Some are very scary and not because of the trauma but what the trauma had caused me to become and I had no fucking idea. I am not stupid I think in fact I was very smart to go away because I couldn’t be there anymore. So, okay. I have this theory I have read a little about  DID and I never thought I had it. But, now that I think back to the chronic trauma, I think  I  placed things inside of me for protection and coping. My parents never monitored anything my brother and I did I was exposed to a lot of violent imagery on cable. I even remember my dad causually playing a  clockwork orange and I remember that rape scene like it was yesterday. However, these coping mechanisms these mean people who were supposed to help me? they were just scared as I was and we were all cowards. So, as I got older, I guess they were still just lying dormant dying to get out. Well, I realized how but i had no awareness  I let them out and now I feel like an asshole because they  were very very very mean spiteful people. Cynics and violence and, well,  the protector meant well but still scared people. So anyway, these people became  really mean over time because I internalized sooo much crap and anger and I had no outlet I just let it fester and seed deep inside of me like you know eppstein barr or something? They were bullies but they were still cowards. So, when I drank they got brave and they would show their faces. And I swear to god none of them were  me and that scares me to death. They have hurt people hurt and said horrible things to and used people and just they were awful people. None of those were me they were personalities I had created that took my body hostage when I was feeling more vulnerable. I remember my friend telling me that I when I pulled a knife she looked into my eyes and said I was not there,  first off I was gone I did not pull that knife the protector got suspicious I guess and by the time the cops got there protector was gone and turned into the sneak. It gets really weird I think about it. My mom said I came into her room one night and she said I just looked plain evil and she knew it wasn’t me talking she said I had a deeper voice and apparently crazy deep voice looked at her right the eye and “what do you think I’m gonna do, kill you?”  That’s so scary I want that shit to go away is going it going to be there forever?Again, now that I am aware of what is actually going on. I don’t thinkI can drink anymore. I have no idea who is going to show up when and what the hell they’re going to do others. I just can’t believe how mean they are. That was anger manifesting its own personalities inside of me. I feel dirty. Really dirty. This isn’t fucking fair. I just want to go back unaware unintentionally killing myself because this is so overwhelming I cannot even handle it. I mean the thoughts won’t stop. Everything (but my traumatic) past is starting to make sense. I have fucked up my life so bad because I had no idea who I was or who I was supposed to be. Now that I am back to me. I am totally completely scared to death and fucking lost. I have no idea what I want to do or be. I don’t want to start over at 30. Deep breath. I just keep thinking back to the lack of guidance and communication abuse and then hearing my mom’s “you’ll figure it out” What the fuck was I supposed to figure out? how to live life coming from a family who barely raised me. I was more adult than they were and it was fucking sick. Okay, anger coming back I am trying to make it go away. I had noway to communicate  my feelings because there was no communication in that house  just all I can remember is loud fucking screaming horrible screaming objects being broken and thrown (such as books and knives) doors being slammed. That is how they fucking communicated like angry apes. Then it just goes back to the screaming and I am not just saying voices were raised and tempers were high. There was so much rage in that house holes in walls from brother who was out of control and mentally ill and they couldn’t care less. They never the helped the poor kid and now he is a shell of a human and full blown paranoid schizophrenic. Um, broken tables when dad his lost temper. Dad coming home drunk always even threatening to kill me.  My brother and his lack of boundaries and his violent temper. Then there I am in my room shaking. I was too sensitive for that environment I had to go somewhere. I have no idea where I went for so long. I am too sensitive and I hate it one of my personalities acted like they didn’t care what people thought and they were a complete asshole. Gotta love the asshole.  I mean seriously, now I think I know why I am somewhat disliked. But it wasn’t me dammit. The asshole was protecting my emotions. That one was making me incapable of loving anyone. Mean mean mean. There are just too many I can’t even think I invented. I feel sick and scared of myself. What the hell kind of coping is that ?! That’s just wrong. I just wish they weren’t so mean. what the hell is wrong with me?  I guess I had to make them mean because I was just so nice and sensitive and could very easily get hurt because I was already so damaged.You know how in the military they break you down but then they build you back up? I was raised like that my dad was stuck somewhere in the fucking military angry treating my brother and like when were in bootcamp. Fact of the fucking matter is he just kept breaking us down over and over I don’t even know how many times.  But stuck in that initial phase hernever built us the fuck back up that is so wrong and we were supposed to be in society feeling worthless absolutely no self esteem.  Fuck it the more I type the anger comes back and I don’t want that anger. I hope I can let it go during therapy or at least manage it somehow because it always seems to come back and

i never wanted be an angry person? . I was Introverted shy wracked with social anxiety unable to make or keep friends. I guess I had made my own friends in my head.  I was extremely fragile they were only  mean to protect me I guess because I would have been crushed had I not gone away and just stayed myself.  This is scary but at least I can come to terms with it. Just like the PTSD I don’t want to this to be true. I am so fucked up and I had no idea. Is there a pill for self esteem? I need some real bad.

 

 

Oh yeah and this a new development. I keep leaving out words when I type and I swear have typed them. Man am I really losing my mind now or getting it back very damaged not taken care of well.

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  1. #1 by 1brokenwings on October 21, 2013 - 2:25 am

    I can relate to a lot of what you say here. Unfortunately, we are a product of our environment. Sometimes when you have been purely surviving for so long, you lose who you are and the mental illness takes grip and doesn’t let go. The positive thing is you are getting therapy, it is bound to hurt like hell and bring up all sorts of emotions and bad memories, it is a necessary part of the healing process, but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy. Do you have any coping strategies for after therapy when you feel like old wounds have been opened? I write a lot and that helps me, I blast some music, sometimes I distract myself with small tasks like cleaning or cooking, then I am doing something but it’s not something big that I cannot handle. You are not alone… I know how horrible PTSD is, anxiety is and I know how screwed up my homelife made me feel. I don’t know exactly what you are doing through but I just wanted you to know that I think you are really brave, getting help and writing on here. It’s not easy. Keep strong, keep talking and venting. It is really hard but it will be worth it later on. Well at least that’s what I tell myself, even though things are shit right now.

    • #2 by Frantic Living on November 8, 2013 - 8:48 pm

      Thank you so much. It is sad it am unable to cry. I used to all the time until I couldn’t breathe anymore. If I could cry now I would. I appreciate your kinds words and sympathy. My therapist keeps telling me how bright and insightful I am and I have much to offer this world. But she says I am trapped in the throes of a dependent dysfunctional family. They constantly blame and criticize they hate I am in therapy they say they say they want me to be self sufficient but also depend on them she said it is an emeshment and I am unable to live the live I was meant for. She said it will be hard work but it is very painful. But I need to take care of myself first to get stronger. She said I am self destructive easily triggered and unhealthy coping mechanisms. It scares me.

  2. #3 by aspenlinmer on October 23, 2013 - 4:55 am

    Great processing…sometimes it’s really helpful to just write and write and write. 🙂

    Thanks for sharing.

    ~Aspen

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