Sigh.

I haven’t been writing much mostly because I don’t really have anything to say anymore. My social anxiety has gotten so bad that I started sweating on the elevator because it was too full. I never wanted to become this? I feel stuck and afraid. I never knew PTSD would eat away at my life like this. On top of everything okay yesterday may have been the scariest moment in my life. I have been on effexor for quite sometime now. It is known to cause seizures in those with a low seizure threshold one of those people happens to be me of course. Well my psychiatrist just recently increased my dose because I never had a problem with seizures on a lower dose. I also cant take Wellbutrin or tramadol. Found those out the hard just like I did with the higher dose of Effexor . I admit I was in pain the night before so i didn’t get proper rest. I went to meet my mom and my head felt the only way I can describe it is fuzzy like something was off chemically; I just knew something wasn’t right. I felt like I don’t know like the world had been tilted? I honestly can’t describe it. But anyway I thought this was due to missing my dose of Effexor. So when I got home I took it unfortunately on an empty stomach too. I had been playing these online slots on my ipad and the time was about I want to say 2:00 pm. Suddenly my vision went wrong I could only see a white light where usually is. I couldn’t see the screen and I was seeing a spinning rainbow this is a common aura for me regarding seizure awareness. But what happened scared me more than anything in my life and I’ve been through a lot. Suddenly my vision locked up on me like my brain froze or something but thoughts still thinking. I could feel it coming on but this time I was hearing voices that weren’t there they were saying sara you need to get to a hospital now! There were multiple voices and that has never happened to me before either. They were so real but nobody was here. For some reason right before I lost consciousness I stood up I have no idea why. I had never been this fully aware still before I drop. And I actually thought I was dying I am mot exaggerating I had never felt anything like that before my thoughts were so confused that I thought I saw my life flashing before my eyes I was having visions but I don’t know what they were. I had never experienced myself losing consciousness it really does feel like,you’re going to die. Next thing I know it was 1 pm the next day! And I am scared to death because I don’t know where I am. And again never lost awareness for 12 fucking hours. It took me a while to realize I was safe in my apartment. I was like why is my lip so swollen? I had forgotten what had happened . Apparently I even talked to my mom and she said I was acting normal but I have no recollection whatsoever talking to her. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I went into my living room as I was slowly putting the pieces together. There was a huge fucking hole my wall. I was like wtf what am i supposed to do about this?  Yeah apparently I fell so hard I knocked a hole in my wall. A very noticeable large hole. I am not in too much pain right now but enough to make me uncomfortable. I was having a good day that day too! I was very lucky I didn’t seriously hurt myself. I have never had a seizure that severe. Usually I just drop like a fly and other people are usually with me. I always bite my tongue but I have never clamped down on my lip like that. I looked like Melanie Griffith after her botched lip surgery. I am afraid one of these days that luck is going to run out. I mean I still have a scar where i dropped at the grocery store and gashed my head open on those metal hooks that hold the cheese. That was my first I was 25 at onset. They always start out the same way either this weird complex déjà or visual hallucinations. I had never experienced auditory hallucinations they were scaring me. And I have never in my life felt like I was actually going to die this time. I can’t even begin to describe how that felt. I guess I was just losing consciousness but I thought I was losing was my life and it was gone. Wow. These doctors need to be more fucking attentive when a patient says i have a low seizure threshold yet prescribes you a medication that apparently causes seizures in higher doses. It frustrates me because I told her about my seizures yet she negligently prescribed the medication anyway. This shouldn’t have happened. I really hate doctors it is hard to find good one who actually. I trusted her judgement and now I have a day unaccounted for and a hole in my wall. I mean you’re trust your doctors. I am the idiot for trusting her judgement and taking the medication anyway or is it on her for not heeding my warnings. She knew it could cause seizures ate higher doses. Yup I feel like the ass because even though I was aware it could cause seizure I still took it. But again I am torn because i trusted her she’s my psychiatrist. I don’t  know who is really at fault. But I will tell you this she will be hearing from very soon. I don’t know what’s going to kill me first my brain or my body. It’s a toss up right now. I need a new neurologist. Or a neuropsychiatrist I can’t have anymore of these accidents happen. I mean I live alone and that is just scary for me that something prescribed can actually cause me to get really hurt. I need a new brain and body. I am beyond duly frustrated. This matter will be taken care of properly.

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