Archive for category Abusive
I recant my precious post. Due to the nature of that man’s abuse turned him dark. He is not a good man. I do wish him well even if he has a defiled soul
I’ve had a revelation. I am still a comedian and I am still a writer. However, I do intend to be a chaplain. People are hurting and lost and I need to help who I can.
Two weird things happened to me in the past couple of days. I talked to this supervisor at Microsoft about a game needed to be returned. This woman was a counselor she knew what a CASA was. insane. Then I went to this drive thru where he was adopted. His family treated him horribly. Broke his collar bone and held him underwater etc.. Oh and his foster brother committed suicide.
I cant let this happen anymore. I know it is a lot and maybe with my own trauma can’t deal. But I know I can. Nobody deserved to be abused. And it is sad he couldn’t say anything. This has been happening more often than not.
I have to make a difference. These are more than just coincidences.
Yeah, that title isn’t a me original. It’s from this cool book I got that basically goes against most popular culture or should I say popular occult? culture? Witches and vampires and even the crusades apparently all delusions caused by chaotic crowds or vice versa. I haven’t really read it yet.
Anyway, I digress. I haven’t updated in a hot minute.. or months. Turns out I do not have avascular necrosis which I wish my ass of a doctor didn’t assume that I did and tell me prematurely before the mri. Which left me scared to death that my bone was just going to collapse on me one day with no warning, at all. But it still doesn’t make my overall condition any less severe. If anything it bought a little bit more time before the hip replacements go in. Which, in my case still about 35 years too soon. I hate going to pain management though. they treat me like I am this criminal because I have chronic pain at a young age… it happens?! Like hey bub, you’re staring right at my mri!! I then I start to get these crazy thoughts wondering if HE is wondering if I went through all this trouble to fake my mri’s so that I could be scrutinized like I was about to go deal my medication on the street! Sorry, same as I am not supposed to act on emotion, that should probably go for the written word too. Although usually the case being not so brutal but still extremely hostile!
So, yeah it seems I have been a little emotionally unstable lately. Honestly, I didn’t think I would have made it this long in this house before now until I totally lost it. I lost everything that I had been working for years in regard to never feeling those insane intense feelings of sadness to the point of hopelessness and anger to the point of rage. I never wanted to feel like that again. I hated it. It felt awful. But yeah, my brother was my trigger. He went for my head and I swore I would punch him in the head the way punched me so hard and lacerated my scalp. Conveniently for him. he has no recollection of such events and I guess I really went into a frenzy when he had such a complete total lack of such self awareness (which I had made great strides in forgiving him for, well, a lot) that finally I even felt myself feeling sorry for him. But no, no, no He called ME delusional. Yeah, that about made feel like I could have gone into a murderous rage. And here I was this whole time like the embarrassed little person I was when I would get like that growing up and for some gosh darn reason nobody seemed to know why?? 33 explaining myself to my mother that it must have just been my PERIOD. I mean seriously?? I mean my brother is married and moved out of the house and I felt somewhat better , but that doesn’t stop from always showing up and when he is back, nothing has changed he still doesn’t understand boundaries or what he put me through. Anyway, not on here to rehash all that. Things just, well, I can tell myself all I want that I let go a long time ago, and maybe even believe it? Nope. It stayed bottled up and the cap just went exploding off.
So in more positive news I will be attending an audition on April 25th for an improv troupe in Cincinnati and it actually pays money, real money. And comedy is a really healthy outlet for me. How bout that? I just hope I don’t blow it.
And in other positive but I am finding it’s a lot to process after reading what it all entails. I just applied for a volunteer job as a CASA. For those who don’t know what I am not talking about and it’s not a Latin house. It is a Court Appointed Special Advocate. It’s for children usually taken from their parent(s) due to abuse and/or neglect. So bad in fact, that the state gets them. A lot of them already turn out to be foster kids placed in a bad situation. Don’t get me started on unfit people obtaining foster licenses for money. Anyway, I would be speaking on one these children’s behalf. They don’t have a voice and if they did they would be too afraid or worried or thinking nobody would believe them and try to help. Because that’s how they felt at one time. So, hopefully I answered the application as diplomatic as I could without imagining why someone would hurt children and then asking for them back??? Anyway, my opinion doesn’t seem to mesh well in authoritative worlds. I did assure that I would keep the child’s best interest at heart. So, yeah I basically wind up spending a year trying to advocate for whatever child I am assigned and I speak for that child and I make decisions and have to talk to social workers and judges and parents and foster parents and family members and teachers and whoever else finds interest in the child’s welfare, I guess. It sounded a bit overwhelming and uh, not gonna lie, I am still quite overwhelmed. But, I couldn’t stomach the thought of another innocent suffering child, especially when there is help, but the child has no idea. So, I wanted to make a difference. I am sure sane people probably would have went out and planted a tree on Arbor Day or something. But, although I am sane, um, I can’t let any child feel the way did growing up. I want to empower them and let them know it wasn’t their fault and they did nothing wrong and they are not worthless and they are not disposable. And they sure as hell aren’t commodities or checks. Ooookay, I am relaxed now, well as relaxed as I can get, ever. I wanted to say, good night. I wish I wouldn’t have let bad people lorde such power over me. I wish I knew differently. But I didn’t.
So in order to understand the biological hormonal brain research I have been dabbling a little in. I would just like some input if you would be so kind to help shed some more insight on this fascinating subject. Emotional ADDICTION. Now, it was strange because my therapist has been describing to me in bits and pieces and today I was taken aback. I said oh, my, God… My DAD is addicted to the feeling of anger. I mean ANGER. It is his first go to emotion he doesn’t even realize it’s a subconscious reaction that he has the ability to CONTROL through time mindfulness and self awareness and meditation and you, ballistic holistic. His reactions are just so automatic it’s he doesn’t realize why he’s even angry it’s his inner disposition and he never ever ever self reflects. The man is perfect, in his delusional mind. So basically what I have been learning is that there are these peptides in our brains and wires and pathways and neuro connectivity that our brains find their way there when that emotion gets hungry. These are very deep paths through the neurological brain. So, in essence, a man craving heroin, he releases that same stuff that our emotions release for us, and if he don’t feed that emotion grease up those neurological pathways, give them their “food” – It’s the same feeling a junkie feels when he can’t get a fix. Now, I know this all probably a little new age ish or what have you. But, this basic scientific fact. For instance, you equate love with betrayal, mistrust, heartache, abuse. So your brain, using your emotions is how it seeks out your next relationship, it’s already etched in that lovely portrait of love you’re going to subconsciously find. Laws of attraction. See, my go to emotion, is, well, sadness. I mean, I find comfort in the melancholy, the lone wolf, heavy heart, playing my depressing music over and over and over again. Why? I am learning, that it feeds that monster in me. That monster emotion that I have deeply etched into the rifts and caverns in my brain it longs for it. Then it gets it. I feel comforted for a while and then suddenly wah wah wah I’ve just made myself extremely sad. And I never realized that was the same damn partner I always sought out. The poor little wounded tragic girl. We’d cry together. We’d drink together. She suffered, oh and I felt her suffering. But as all my past relationships have bad patterns; I burned lots of bridges. The fucked thing is I WASN’T EVEN AWARE THAT’S WHAT WAS GOING ON. It’s like i’ve been slapped in the face by brain research. My whole family the lovely triad of the dreaded subconscious go to emotion. Father ANGER Mother ANXIETY/FEAR ME Morose Sadness Melancholy Dreams.\\
But, hey do some research on this. I am very serious. Just type in Emotional addiction or addicted to emotion. It is absolutely fascinating. Here’s the good news though! We, when becoming self aware that monster wants its chemical fix. We have complete power to change our reactions, our emotions, and how we see the world and each other. Nobody’s got anything in the bag in this world. But, it’s better to you know… at least fly a kite over the whole scenario.
No, truthful. How did you feel the last time someone told you the absolute truth to a situation? I know I didn’t feel good. I felt indignant at first then resentful then remorseful then numb, when it all started to sink in. This was when my therapist not only confronted about my family’s knack for sarcasm and passive aggressive behavior as defense mechanisms. But, what made me not want to look at her was when she said, “You cause chaos around you when you don’t get what you want”. Ouch. Dagger in the fucking heart. She eventually said, Sara, look at me. I didn’t want to. I was so agitated, so angry. I didn’t want to be there anymore. But, I faced her and I eventually put the clues together about my family’s behaviors and reactions. I saw things so much more clearly before I was stuck in that emotional garbage of a brain. The point is I didn’t want to hear the truth it made me come face to face with myself. And if that wasn’t the scariest moment of my life, then I’ll be damned. Because, facing who you really are is one of your worst fears. Recognizing your programmed behavior because you knew nothing else? Self awareness, whether you’re a needy asshole or selfless because you didn’t think you deserved anything. It’s like a new awakening. I know we are all are so scared to look inside and find the truth. But, even the truth, while stinging, Neosporin and bandaids will fix you right up. These are not scars, they are just wounds. Emotional scars, don’t really heal. You can tell yourself a thousand times how great you are. Repeat affirmations processes you learned during Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. For instance, Mind reading, Automatic Negative Thoughts, Worst Case scenario, etc. But, that still doesn’t rid that feeling so deep inside you that you can’t even pinpoint its location. That’s always going to be with when you look in the mirror or suddenly wake up or forget something that was important to you. That sheer terror will come flooding back into you involuntarily and you ask WHY?? Why is this happening? Because you chose to bury your traumas and fears. You placed them somewhere in the brain, mostly the prefrontal cortex. Front row seats. And you ask yourself but i’m doing so much better. Are you? Are you really? A million affirmations will never erase the emotional scars permanently tattooed somewhere in your brain. No matter where you choose to make that imprint. It’s ALWAYS there. I guess, the point of this post is it’s better to accept the truth and not fight it. The more you fight it the more lost you becomel lost and complacent. You have no voice no opinion no sanity. What you think might be sane is actually your avoidance of the truth. Trying to fill that endless void that plagues you day and night. It took me 10 fucking years of therapy to finally face the truth. And although it was painful and I wanted to run and hide and believe it wasn’t true. It was. And then guess what? I was able to let all that negativity go. I know it’s a painful process, but if you don’t dig deep inside your psyche. You’ll remained tortured forever and not even realize it. Angry but unaware why. Spiteful because it nests in your bones. Why? Because that was normal to you. It was learned behavior. The brain is capable of many extraordinary things. For example, Neuroplasticisty. This means your brain still has room for improvement, you’re still able to store something new, something unknown. The human brain will never cease to fascinate me. Human society however, I don’t even want to even dissect that horror show.