Archive for category Apathetic

Metamorphosis

I figure most people are familiar with the Kafka classic tale of disenchanment and disconnection as if waking from a nightmare..except your dream wasn’t the nightmare, reality itself was. It’s funny I remember reading that story around 7 or so years old not even knowing I was reading it. I was a huge weirdo always toting around a backpack full of books and animal crackers. I was a tiny doomsday prepper it seemed. I had this children’s sci Fi anthology  book with all these crazy stories of terror and awe. The story I remember was about this teenage girl cheer Captain blonde popular pretty etc.. ans then whining one day over something that should have seemed so menial so asinine at the time because… Oh….suspense.. She wakes up and she’s a lizard!! Laying in her den of lizard siblings or what have you. Her reality was in fact her nightmare. I remember as a child it startled my little bones for some time. A kindergartener uneasily questioning her reality and her truths. Those were dark times for me. Spoiler alert (I do not in fact turn into a lizard). It wasn’t until I attended college and came across Metamorphosis that I rekindled with it. I was like what the heck? I know this! The reason for that antidote I just told was because although I knew there wasn’t some Truman show surprise about​ to completely anniliate my soul. But I always did have a feeling around me that I just didn’t quite fit into the world. Problems socializing I preferred my books. I was so young yet still felt so alienated like why the hell should a child be understanding the human condition of suffering? I don’t even think I could blame the book. I was always different.  And that  will send you down​ a very isloated path of grey skies and disconnected phone lines. I wanted to fit in but I couldn’t  even if someone coached me. I was always wondering why people did the the things they did. Why the pain they caused each other the sorrow. I always wanted to know what it felt like for them I was aways having one teenage melodramatic existential crisis one after the other. To be fair I was weird I was not  a popular person. Qnd these criseses It’s not like I  was throwing a tantrum because I didn’t get cake. My uh.. uniqueness (for lack of offending myself) Only got worse. Death the macabre the end of the world. I shouldn’t have had a care and I’m up at night sick to my stomach worrying about Ebola (and yes this was in the 90s) No social Media putting crazy shit into my head. Sorry to say this was all me. My favorite was the Apocalypse. That’s the weirdest part. We weren’t a church family. Yet my mind would just question and ask as if some sort of answer ..even as absurd as civilization collapsing  blood  filling the seas even if the answers seemed wrong somehow. I just needed to know I was there. That I existed. So much unnecessary trouble so much sadness in my soul as if I were just passing through and happened to be in a Child’s body.  So, this has a point I swear we are going to loop right back into Metamorphosis. I was always kind of kept in my place. Like uh a whipping boy? Nobody ever made me feel like my uniqueness was what made me  actually unique. No  instead I was  shamed and ridiculed and constantly  broken ddown. I I don’t know why I was just basically made to feel like I was  a stupid and small and that my mere existence seemed inconvenient. Even teachers scapegoated me. Made me feel like I was not worth teaching.  Not worth the effort it seemed.   I was always like wait.. what?? Where is the part where tell me  I  have all the potential in the world! And can do anything! No I honestly​ just thought I was stupid. Like, Forrest Gump stupid.  I did manage to make it to college I had a tiny guidance Angel counselor in my side. But  now with this horrifying student loan crisis. Debt slavery.. it all seems so arbitrary. But, it was not at all. Every bit of knowledge k could soak up was worth it. Finally I was seen I was valued I had insight beyond my years. Still that never made me happy though. I guess because I never believed in myself. It’s a lot easier to harbor self contempt than human compassion. So, back to Metamorphosis. Due to the lacking and or failing public education system at work I didn’t learn much in school. Except English I always had English. I took a history course my sophomore year 1830 -present some time frame of that nature.  My professor was the  craziest bad ass professor om earth it seemed. And that’s when it happened when I learned the sick truths about this supposed land of dreams and opportunity. I was in that nightmare I had become the insect I feared. You can’t ever unknow something and once it’s taught, well there is. The genocide the rape the pillaging the slavery the greed the so called “free world” was nothing but what seemed like a fabrication I still tried to believe to understand why. I never could. I still can’t and the government uses these false guises to rule to control to  deceive. I used to have these dreams when I was little always  me against this impossible evil nobody else was aware  but me it was so bad I would hide​ in the corner of my own dreams. They kind of make sense now. In that history class it was like the Terminator you know​? Like professor Carrie Foster existed for the sole purpose to warn me of exactly what is happening now. The fucked up thing wS I wanted to believe she was wrong but.. I knew. And you know what? I’m not even worried anymore. Maybe it was just so gradual I just kind of kept it at Bay. The evil anxiety in my head my imaginary political turmoil and even my psychiatrist just eventually advised me to  just stop watching the news. And I did and I grew​ apathetic and complacent and very distracted for a time and then what do you know 2017 arrives. The nightmare was real and I really was that insect. But hey, the cockroaches outlived the dinosaurs I mean a meteor of all things and there they were those cockroaches in their  brave New world. So I just may have a fightin’ chance. I mean it is the meek who inherit the  earth? Take me for my word or even as a cautionary tale. But, It’s my truth so maybe that’s what matters.   Oh yeah  and just the mere act of writing is considered a hostile act. I do feel better now.

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Synchroncity

Okay,

Two weird things happened to me in the past couple of days. I talked to this supervisor at Microsoft about a game needed to be returned. This woman was a counselor she knew what a CASA was. insane. Then I went to this drive thru where he was adopted. His family treated him horribly. Broke his collar bone and held him underwater etc.. Oh and his foster brother committed suicide.

I cant let this happen anymore.  I know it is a lot and maybe with my own trauma can’t deal. But I know I can. Nobody deserved to be abused. And it is sad he couldn’t say anything. This has been happening more often than not.

I have to make a difference. These are more than just coincidences.

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Hey Guys! Yes, Emotional ADDICTION is in YOU

So in order to understand the biological hormonal brain research I have been dabbling a little in. I would just like some input if you would be so kind to help shed some more insight on this fascinating subject. Emotional ADDICTION. Now, it was strange because my therapist has been describing to me in bits and pieces and today I was taken aback. I said oh, my, God… My DAD is addicted to the feeling of anger. I mean ANGER. It is his first go to emotion he doesn’t even realize it’s a subconscious reaction that he has the ability to CONTROL through time mindfulness and self awareness and meditation and you, ballistic holistic. His reactions are just so automatic it’s he doesn’t realize why he’s even angry it’s his inner disposition and he never ever ever self reflects. The man is perfect, in his delusional mind. So basically what I have been learning is that there are these peptides in our brains and wires and pathways and neuro connectivity that our brains find their way there when that emotion gets hungry. These are very deep paths through the neurological brain. So, in essence, a man craving heroin, he releases that same stuff that our emotions release for us, and if he don’t feed that emotion grease up those neurological pathways, give them their “food” – It’s the same feeling a junkie feels when he can’t get a fix. Now, I know this all probably a little new age ish or what have you. But, this basic scientific fact. For instance, you equate love with betrayal, mistrust, heartache, abuse. So your brain, using your emotions is how it seeks out your next relationship, it’s already etched in that lovely portrait of love you’re going to subconsciously find. Laws of attraction.  See, my go to emotion, is, well, sadness. I mean, I find comfort in the melancholy, the lone wolf, heavy heart, playing my depressing music over and over and over again. Why? I am learning, that it feeds that monster in me. That monster emotion that I have deeply etched into the rifts and caverns in my brain it longs for it. Then it gets it. I feel comforted for a while and then suddenly wah wah wah I’ve just made myself extremely sad. And I never realized that was the same damn partner I always sought out. The poor little wounded tragic girl. We’d cry together. We’d drink together. She suffered, oh and I felt her suffering. But as all my past relationships have bad patterns; I burned lots of bridges. The fucked thing is I WASN’T EVEN AWARE THAT’S WHAT WAS GOING ON. It’s like i’ve been slapped in the face by brain research.  My whole family the lovely triad of the dreaded subconscious go to emotion. Father ANGER Mother ANXIETY/FEAR ME Morose Sadness Melancholy Dreams.\\

But, hey do some research on this. I am very serious. Just type in Emotional addiction or addicted to emotion. It is absolutely fascinating. Here’s the good news though! We, when becoming self aware that monster wants its chemical fix. We have complete power to change our reactions, our emotions, and how we see the world and each other. Nobody’s got anything in the bag in this world. But, it’s better to you know… at least fly a kite over the whole scenario.

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Um.

Hello, Around the world onlookers. I look at my stats. I see that a lot of my posts are viewed from Europe. That’s awesome! I never felt like I belonged in America anyway. I think I want to live in Australia, or hell, anywhere that’s not here. Where would someone who does not fit the typical American stereotype thrive well? I would love input on the subject. I am ready for big change. I can’t withstand another day in this filthy country of barbaric selfish assholes.  I am not materialistic, I am curious, and adventurous, and maybe too trusting? Even though I don’t trust anyone? Yeah, thanks psychotherapy! But, I just know I don’t belong here. I need a world of knowledge and art and culture and advancement and compassion. I can’t find that here. I think I have been looking in all the wrong places. I am not saying that if I move I will be happy; that’s up to me. But, I will find happiness somewhere other than this midwest hole in the universe that thrives on negativity and gossip. I just need a new beginning, a fresh start. A new life.

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