Archive for category CPTSD
Two weird things happened to me in the past couple of days. I talked to this supervisor at Microsoft about a game needed to be returned. This woman was a counselor she knew what a CASA was. insane. Then I went to this drive thru where he was adopted. His family treated him horribly. Broke his collar bone and held him underwater etc.. Oh and his foster brother committed suicide.
I cant let this happen anymore. I know it is a lot and maybe with my own trauma can’t deal. But I know I can. Nobody deserved to be abused. And it is sad he couldn’t say anything. This has been happening more often than not.
I have to make a difference. These are more than just coincidences.
Yeah, that title isn’t a me original. It’s from this cool book I got that basically goes against most popular culture or should I say popular occult? culture? Witches and vampires and even the crusades apparently all delusions caused by chaotic crowds or vice versa. I haven’t really read it yet.
Anyway, I digress. I haven’t updated in a hot minute.. or months. Turns out I do not have avascular necrosis which I wish my ass of a doctor didn’t assume that I did and tell me prematurely before the mri. Which left me scared to death that my bone was just going to collapse on me one day with no warning, at all. But it still doesn’t make my overall condition any less severe. If anything it bought a little bit more time before the hip replacements go in. Which, in my case still about 35 years too soon. I hate going to pain management though. they treat me like I am this criminal because I have chronic pain at a young age… it happens?! Like hey bub, you’re staring right at my mri!! I then I start to get these crazy thoughts wondering if HE is wondering if I went through all this trouble to fake my mri’s so that I could be scrutinized like I was about to go deal my medication on the street! Sorry, same as I am not supposed to act on emotion, that should probably go for the written word too. Although usually the case being not so brutal but still extremely hostile!
So, yeah it seems I have been a little emotionally unstable lately. Honestly, I didn’t think I would have made it this long in this house before now until I totally lost it. I lost everything that I had been working for years in regard to never feeling those insane intense feelings of sadness to the point of hopelessness and anger to the point of rage. I never wanted to feel like that again. I hated it. It felt awful. But yeah, my brother was my trigger. He went for my head and I swore I would punch him in the head the way punched me so hard and lacerated my scalp. Conveniently for him. he has no recollection of such events and I guess I really went into a frenzy when he had such a complete total lack of such self awareness (which I had made great strides in forgiving him for, well, a lot) that finally I even felt myself feeling sorry for him. But no, no, no He called ME delusional. Yeah, that about made feel like I could have gone into a murderous rage. And here I was this whole time like the embarrassed little person I was when I would get like that growing up and for some gosh darn reason nobody seemed to know why?? 33 explaining myself to my mother that it must have just been my PERIOD. I mean seriously?? I mean my brother is married and moved out of the house and I felt somewhat better , but that doesn’t stop from always showing up and when he is back, nothing has changed he still doesn’t understand boundaries or what he put me through. Anyway, not on here to rehash all that. Things just, well, I can tell myself all I want that I let go a long time ago, and maybe even believe it? Nope. It stayed bottled up and the cap just went exploding off.
So in more positive news I will be attending an audition on April 25th for an improv troupe in Cincinnati and it actually pays money, real money. And comedy is a really healthy outlet for me. How bout that? I just hope I don’t blow it.
And in other positive but I am finding it’s a lot to process after reading what it all entails. I just applied for a volunteer job as a CASA. For those who don’t know what I am not talking about and it’s not a Latin house. It is a Court Appointed Special Advocate. It’s for children usually taken from their parent(s) due to abuse and/or neglect. So bad in fact, that the state gets them. A lot of them already turn out to be foster kids placed in a bad situation. Don’t get me started on unfit people obtaining foster licenses for money. Anyway, I would be speaking on one these children’s behalf. They don’t have a voice and if they did they would be too afraid or worried or thinking nobody would believe them and try to help. Because that’s how they felt at one time. So, hopefully I answered the application as diplomatic as I could without imagining why someone would hurt children and then asking for them back??? Anyway, my opinion doesn’t seem to mesh well in authoritative worlds. I did assure that I would keep the child’s best interest at heart. So, yeah I basically wind up spending a year trying to advocate for whatever child I am assigned and I speak for that child and I make decisions and have to talk to social workers and judges and parents and foster parents and family members and teachers and whoever else finds interest in the child’s welfare, I guess. It sounded a bit overwhelming and uh, not gonna lie, I am still quite overwhelmed. But, I couldn’t stomach the thought of another innocent suffering child, especially when there is help, but the child has no idea. So, I wanted to make a difference. I am sure sane people probably would have went out and planted a tree on Arbor Day or something. But, although I am sane, um, I can’t let any child feel the way did growing up. I want to empower them and let them know it wasn’t their fault and they did nothing wrong and they are not worthless and they are not disposable. And they sure as hell aren’t commodities or checks. Ooookay, I am relaxed now, well as relaxed as I can get, ever. I wanted to say, good night. I wish I wouldn’t have let bad people lorde such power over me. I wish I knew differently. But I didn’t.