Archive for category Therapeutic Writing

COCKROACH with a concseice???

I think I just figured out reincarnation. God, please have the answers at theology college.

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Preemptively, I apologize.

Under a sheet of rain in my heart; I dream of home. -Bat For Lashes

 Hi, whoever still reads my blog and my ridiculous ramblings that seem to make sense at the time, but when  I revisit them it feels like an awkwardness I would feel watching a Grindhouse movie with my parents. Anyway, I have been neglectful and it bothers me. That is what I do in my real life. Get real pumped up and passionate about something…. then, I just duck out, hoping nobody sees me. Well guess what? I am sick of doing that. The only thing I ever felt like I could do right was constantly letting others down. Hell, nobody would want to visit the rabbit hole abyss that are my conscious and unconscious thoughts. They even scare me and they are mine! Because of the lack of faith I had in myself the constant doubt always creeping around in my head and my own parents didn’t seem to even care if I lived or died. At least, that’s how it felt to me. My mom loved her phone calls more than me. And my dad loved alcohol more than me. Because of this I have been wandering this earth feeling like I have no purpose while more and more suffering continues. It’s like Job’s story (Bible) he doubted God’s justness and graciousness because all this messed up shit kept happening to him and his family and he was a good man. So, I always thought something would tell me what I need to do because I will die alone in my room if I don’t move forward. Forever lost in this recurring nightmare scared and lost and alone. I felt I never had my own identity, my own dreams, my own core SOUL. I was just so broken all the time that the foolish behavior I exhibited in my earlier years was so I could escape. I didn’t even care if I died. I mean I have seriously been at death’s door ventilator tube down my throat in a coma.. and to this day I still don’t understand what happened. 29 okay health, went to sleep… didn’t wake up. So, in essence I guess I feel a bit like Job as well. The doubt in God when I didn’t understand why it was always me? I never was envious of anyone else never spiteful. Only a tiny teary eyed girl who just needed someone to believe in her.

Life for me was all about tangible things, what I could see or hear or smell. I went along with scientific answers for a long time, then became terribly obsessed with psychology. That was mostly because I had a compulsion to find answers to NEED answers, tangible answers I could rip apart and put back together and analyze them until I would get sick. Throughout all that, even though it gave me horrible anxiety literature was pretty much my only friend the only thing I thought was hearing my sadness and confusion. But, again there was always an answer a diagnosis a skeptical douchebag an inadequate human being that just shits on everyone else for no reason. I had to have answers. It wasn’t out of arrogance or condescension to always have to be right. My parents sure gave me hell for that for whatever cycle of dysfunction their families were wrapped up in. My mom always saying I was trying to make her feel stupid. What?? I just wanted her to know things I knew and that never went well. Anyway, I never had faith in anything even my own self even the answers I read over and over again. Was I just some inadequate worthless speck in the universe?

So, this is not a pity post I promise. I never believed in prophetic dreams or shamans that restore souls to peoples bodies. How devoted people are to their faith to something not tangible not even fathomable! I have always been fascinated with every theological text or song or art or influence in culture we still see today. You know, in trying to find my purpose thinking I could be a social worker I had a panic attack just imagining being trapped in a cube all day dealing with God knows what. So, I scratched that off the list as well. Then I thought I had the perfect solution! I will be a therapist! that excited me for about a week until I thought about all these emotionally damaged people just handing me their emotional  luggage while hightailing out of the country with real luggage! But, that’s not really why I couldn’t be a therapist. I am hypersensitive and maybe it was from my family growing up just kind of developing a new survival skill. If I was a therapist I could not handle taking all pain from those people because I take it home and somehow make their fucked lives my fault.

No, but seriously I am not turning my back from my true purpose. I am not hiding anymore pretending the world isn’t spinning and things aren’t growing or dying. I am enrolling in Chicago Theological Seminary School. I need to advocate for those without voices and comfort ones who feel as alone as I did. To listen and not judge to give but not want. I am going to study Chaplaincy because that way I can be objective in every faith but comforting for those who are lost or confused. I have a way of connecting with people and it’s time I stopped keeping that gift or purpose, I guess to myself. I’ve never been so terrified in my life but something is compelling to be a former lost soul helping out other lost sad human beings. I am scared because that doubt and mistrust has made me lose my way too many times.

Yeah, a lot of fucked up things happened to me in the past and I am 33 with two diseases that are meant for someone who is 80!! But, I am just done asking why. I’m done drowning in my parents mistakes and I am done trying to help people who just don’t want to be helped. Anyway, I am so sorry for going so long without a post.

Thanks for reading.

Sara R.

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Confliction.

I recant my precious  post. Due to the nature of that man’s abuse turned him dark. He is not a good man. I do wish him well even if he has a defiled soul

I’ve had a revelation. I am still a comedian and I am still a writer. However, I do intend to be a chaplain. People are hurting and lost and I need to help who I can.

 

 

 

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The Madness and Delusions of Crowds

Yeah, that title isn’t a me original. It’s from this cool book I got that basically goes against most popular culture or should I say popular occult? culture? Witches  and vampires and even the crusades apparently all delusions caused by chaotic crowds or vice versa. I haven’t really read it yet.

Anyway, I digress. I haven’t updated in a hot minute.. or months. Turns out I do not have avascular necrosis  which I wish my ass of a doctor didn’t  assume that I did and tell me prematurely before the mri. Which left me scared to death that my bone was just going to collapse on me one day with no warning, at all. But it still doesn’t make my overall condition any less severe. If anything it bought a little bit more time before the hip replacements go in.  Which, in my case still about 35 years too soon.  I hate going to pain management though. they treat me like  I am this criminal because  I have chronic pain at a young age… it happens?!  Like hey bub, you’re staring right at my mri!!  I then I start to get these crazy thoughts wondering if HE is wondering if I went through all this trouble to fake my mri’s so that  I could be scrutinized like I was about to go deal my medication on the street! Sorry, same as I am not supposed to act on emotion, that should probably go for the written word too. Although usually the case being not so brutal but still extremely hostile!

So, yeah it seems I have been a little emotionally unstable lately. Honestly,  I didn’t think I would have made it this long in this house before now until I totally lost it. I lost everything that I had been working for years in regard to never feeling those insane intense feelings of sadness to the point of hopelessness and anger to the point of rage. I never wanted to feel like that again. I hated it. It felt awful. But yeah, my brother was my trigger. He went for my head and I swore I would punch him in the head the way punched me so hard and lacerated my scalp. Conveniently for him. he has no recollection of such events and I guess I really went into a frenzy when he had such a complete total lack of such self awareness (which I had made great strides in forgiving him for, well, a lot) that finally  I even felt myself feeling sorry for him. But no, no, no He called ME delusional. Yeah, that about made feel like I could have gone into a murderous rage. And here I was this whole time like the  embarrassed little person I was when I would get like that growing up and for some  gosh darn reason nobody seemed to know why??  33 explaining myself to my mother that it must have just been my PERIOD. I mean seriously?? I mean my brother is married and moved out of the house and I felt somewhat better , but that doesn’t stop from always showing up and when he is back, nothing has changed he still doesn’t understand boundaries or what he put me through. Anyway, not on here to rehash all that. Things just, well, I can tell myself all I want that I let go a long time ago, and maybe even believe it? Nope. It stayed bottled up and the cap just went exploding off.

So in more positive news I will be attending an audition on April 25th for an improv troupe in Cincinnati and it actually pays money, real money. And comedy is a really healthy outlet for me. How bout that? I just hope  I don’t blow it.

And in other positive but I am finding it’s a lot to process after reading what it all entails. I just applied for a volunteer job as a CASA.  For those who don’t know what I am not talking about and it’s not a Latin house. It is a Court Appointed Special Advocate. It’s for children usually taken from their parent(s) due to abuse and/or neglect. So bad in fact, that the state gets them. A lot of them already turn out to be foster kids placed in a bad situation. Don’t get me started on unfit people obtaining foster licenses for money. Anyway, I would be speaking on one these children’s behalf. They don’t have a voice and if they did they would be too afraid or worried or thinking nobody would believe them and try to help. Because that’s how they felt at one time. So, hopefully I answered the application as diplomatic as I could without imagining why someone would hurt children and then asking for them back??? Anyway, my opinion doesn’t seem to mesh well in authoritative worlds. I did assure that I would keep the child’s best interest at heart. So, yeah I basically wind up spending a year trying to advocate for whatever child I am assigned and I speak for that child and I make decisions and have to talk to social workers and judges and parents and foster parents and family members and teachers and whoever else finds interest in the child’s welfare, I guess. It sounded a bit overwhelming and uh, not gonna lie, I am still quite overwhelmed. But, I couldn’t stomach the thought of another innocent suffering child, especially when there is help, but the child has no idea. So, I wanted to make a difference. I am sure sane people probably would have went out and planted a tree on Arbor Day or something. But, although I am sane, um, I can’t let any child feel the way did growing up. I want to empower them and let them know it wasn’t their fault and they did nothing wrong and they are not worthless and they are not disposable. And they sure as hell aren’t commodities or checks. Ooookay, I am relaxed now, well as relaxed as I can get, ever. I wanted to say, good night.  I wish I wouldn’t have let bad people lorde such power over me. I wish I knew differently. But I didn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My booooonnnesss they huuuuurt. Yes, I am haunted by the girl that I used to be.

I hate feeling so old. I will be 32 on March 3rd. I feel as if I am nowhere near any of my goals I’ve had in mind for my future. But, on the other hand, when I entered residential treatment I didn’t think I had ANY more fight left in me. Now, I am feeling that strength again. Still not as resilient as I used to be, but, nowhere near as weak and dead as I had been feeling. I just had left hip surgery, the surgeon got rid of this horrid bone spur that had been killing me for YEARS. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to NOT FEEL PAIN. It was a miracle I tell you. However, the ghastly arthritis in my knees is still aching to the bad brittle bone. Sad. Oh well, I will not let that crap get to me like it used to. I don’t see an end anymore, just beginnings in site. I even had this dream that I was a child again, maybe 5 or 6 years old starting first grade. However, in the dream I had all the knowledge I have now but at that age. It really was like I had a chance to start over again.  So, I am just trying to stay positive get through the winter (sad face) and, oh, totally looking forward to sinus surgery in February. I am getting a Septoplasty and Turbinate Reduction surgery. The doctor said I have a bone spur in my nose MY NOSE!! I will be so happy to be able to breathe again and not get drainage caught in my middle ear (feels like I am under water). Oh, yeah, I have a pretty bad deviated septum, again, something I just put a “band aid” on for years. Well, this is the year for preventive care because who knows what’s going to happen with our healthcare coverage in the future.  Anyway, I have been working on my absurd amount of anxiety with my therapist and I still go to IOP three days a week SAMI (Substance Abuse Mental Illness). I have been becoming more aware of my triggers and how to stop them before I get out of control. I have been practicing mindfulness a lot and for the first time in my life I am at peace with my spirituality. I used to not speak of it because others always had such strong views in their faith. I do not have particular faith but I do believe in energy and change. Okay, arthritis is hurting my hands now! Take care, everyone.

 

Senior High School Pictures lolol  (The lost roll!!)

Senior High School Pictures
(The deleted Roll!!)

Jk, I took those earlier in the evening with my computron.

 

 

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DAMMIT.

These demons that engulf my soul. Why do they want it so bad? I am changing the title of my memoir to “What The Hell Did I Do?” It’s more suiting than “Sad Clown” anymore. And, that publisher from NYC keeps haranguing  me for my manuscript. I don’t even even have and editor! First off, I can’t even afford a fucking editor.But, yeah, tonight I talked a young Pakistani girl out of committing suicide. So, that was an accomplishment, I guess? Putting my years of free therapy into use. I am not good at editing my own work! I need it to be looked over and polished and primed and whatnot.  When I can’t even manage to take care of myself. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I am useless in a sense, but hopeful in a naive way.

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This made me laugh.

Well, not really. 

Considering the fact that it has been eating away at me the two or so years ago it was sent to me. These are the so called “friends” I had once associated with and at the minimal rate of me doing so, trusted. This display of anger and hatred towards me, well, obviously had been brewing for years. What blew the lid off though, was when we had left a bar to go meet this guy she’d been talking to from an online dating website.I unintentionally took the attention away from her, like this was going to be any different.This was no usual “bff” fight. This is not something you just put behind you and move on. This was complete and utter termination. Me, being the idiot that I am, had already given her more chances than any normal self respecting human being would dream of.This was the end.

i really dont know what the fuck your problem is. i have never done anything but be a great friend to you. i have cared for you when no one else did and stood up for you will no one else would. you have attacked me multiple times and treated me like garbage multiple times. i still stood beside you and tried to understand you and help you the best i could. i have tried repeatedly to help you out of every fucking hole you put yourself in and im seriously over trying. all you ever do it treat me like garbage and talk shit behind my back. you use me just like you use everyone else that cares about you.. you use me until you have no reason to use me anymore and then you spred lies and bullshit about me? i am constantly amazed at how horrible a person you are. first of all.. i never said ANYTHING to ANYONE about you.. so stop your lies. there is not one thing i would say about you to someone else that i would not say to your face. im sick of it ribar. totally over it. so fuck off. like….. forever. seriously. i dont want you slinking around poisoning my life anymore. i am really happy and doing really well and i dont want anything to do with you any more because all you ever do for me is make my life shitty. you cause me to worry about you and not enjoy my life because im sick over thinking you are not well. and all you have to say or do is talk shit to my friends behind my back?! everything you have ever been through in the past 10 years has been directly brought on by your bad decisions and choices you have made.. no one else. so stop blaming other people. i have tip-toed around your feelings because i cared about you very much and wanted nothing but for you to be well. but i DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE. i do not care. this is my final fucking word to you. if you are going to tell people that you arent talking to me.. or that im a shitty person at least get your facts straight when you lie to people that are friends with me.. because as you should very well know.. it all goes around and will eventually fall back into my ears. people who really know you.. know your bullshit when they hear it. if you have some unresolved issue.. it would have been great to hear it from you instead of kelly.. but dont pretend like you give a shit about how im doing. you need to fucking grow up. get your shit together and move on with your life. because right now.. you have nothing. and you are living in a piece of shit place that you could help yourself out of if you just tried a little.. but you do nothing but spread filth and shit over all you do and everyone you know. everything you touch turns into a heap of trash because you continue to let it be that way. i can not understand why someone would treat people the way you do. you are a sad sick person who needs all the help you can get. its really sad that you would constantly fuck me over when i really really did care about you. im really done this time. if you could find the decency in your cold fucking dead heart to do me a solid and just forget that i exist.. that would be great. i dont want to know you at all anymore. id be happy if you just stop talking about me.. or ever having anything to do with me. i really hope that all you give is exactly all you will ever get. maybe if you believe that karma is real and you get what you give.. you will change your thundercunt ways and become a better person before you really have no one left. i know you think all these facebook people and assholes that never talk to you.. or have given up on you… or treated you like shit are the types of people you want to be around… but i really thought that some where deep in your drug addled brain you would know that i was a good friend. better than any of them have ever been to you. but im wrong. youre just too far gone. no one is your friend all the time. no one is ever honest with you all the time. and when i tried.. all you did is treat me like shit. i really thought you would make something of yourself.. i really thought you would do something amazing and that you were incredibly bright and talented.. but you have let all of that just die off.. i would have supported you in any way possible.. and i have for many years. and all you do is CONSTANTLY make me regret it.. so fuck you. im over your issues. im over your melodrama. get over yourself and change your life before you have no choice. i would really be happy to never hear from you or about you ever again. i am happy and excited about my life and the future. i hope you will at some point be happy with yourself.. but i know you wont be until you realize how you treat people.. and how you live your life.. and change those things. turn that shit around and make things positive before you kill yourself with all the bile you surround yourself with. because youre fucking drowning in it. i feel sorry for you. but tonight as pissed off as i am.. in 10 minutes after sending this i will feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. it will be the weight of ever caring about your bullshit life. and i will sleep perfectly fine.. finally.

I don’t know how someone could project their issues onto me like that?It’s weird, when I re-read this, it’s almost if it sounds like me, (the me who should have defended herself years ago and stopped forgiving so much), was talking to HER. It still makes everything spin trying to wrap my head around around it. I mean, I was the one who was defending her constantly. When people said she was crazy, I would say, you know she’s got some issues, all of us do, but her heart is in the right place. She sure had me fooled. You know what the funny thing is? I did give her one last chance, even after all of that. After a year or so I just completely stopped talking to her, she contacted me and apologized, etc. I drove an hour and a half to visit her in her new apartment. We were going to spend the weekend together. She was unsympathetic about my hip issues and just seemed frustrated when I couldn’t keep up with her fast paced frantic walk. And, she had surrounded herself with 18 and 19 year olds. You’re 30, that’s weird. After one night of staying with her, and falling asleep during the day during a movie I had already seen, she told me “I think you should leave”. I thought maybe she had changed and that she really was sorry for the hell she caused me. Again, my stupid naivety, and belief that a vengeful person actually feels regret, had turned over a new leaf. And I’ll be damned if that wasn’t the weekend I had decided I was going to quit smoking. I left my nicotine patches at her apartment and I never even got to use them. Anyway, my head was going to continue to ache if I did not let this out.

How does one get people to stop projecting their issues onto me??

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