Posts Tagged Frustrated
I hate feeling so old. I will be 32 on March 3rd. I feel as if I am nowhere near any of my goals I’ve had in mind for my future. But, on the other hand, when I entered residential treatment I didn’t think I had ANY more fight left in me. Now, I am feeling that strength again. Still not as resilient as I used to be, but, nowhere near as weak and dead as I had been feeling. I just had left hip surgery, the surgeon got rid of this horrid bone spur that had been killing me for YEARS. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to NOT FEEL PAIN. It was a miracle I tell you. However, the ghastly arthritis in my knees is still aching to the bad brittle bone. Sad. Oh well, I will not let that crap get to me like it used to. I don’t see an end anymore, just beginnings in site. I even had this dream that I was a child again, maybe 5 or 6 years old starting first grade. However, in the dream I had all the knowledge I have now but at that age. It really was like I had a chance to start over again. So, I am just trying to stay positive get through the winter (sad face) and, oh, totally looking forward to sinus surgery in February. I am getting a Septoplasty and Turbinate Reduction surgery. The doctor said I have a bone spur in my nose MY NOSE!! I will be so happy to be able to breathe again and not get drainage caught in my middle ear (feels like I am under water). Oh, yeah, I have a pretty bad deviated septum, again, something I just put a “band aid” on for years. Well, this is the year for preventive care because who knows what’s going to happen with our healthcare coverage in the future. Anyway, I have been working on my absurd amount of anxiety with my therapist and I still go to IOP three days a week SAMI (Substance Abuse Mental Illness). I have been becoming more aware of my triggers and how to stop them before I get out of control. I have been practicing mindfulness a lot and for the first time in my life I am at peace with my spirituality. I used to not speak of it because others always had such strong views in their faith. I do not have particular faith but I do believe in energy and change. Okay, arthritis is hurting my hands now! Take care, everyone.
Jk, I took those earlier in the evening with my computron.
If I thought my life wasn’t a fucking movie before. That just became true today. So, I will say in detail but without detail the affairs of my family. Okay, so apparently, I was sent to child services when I was 3 or 4 or some shit. Apparently claiming my dad molested me. He said he was taken aback by this and was shamed and guilted and even took a lie detector test and was HYPNOTIZED to say that this didn’t really happen. Apparently, it did not. So, he was gone for several months in my life. Months I do not recall. Now, the reason being is that my grandpa apparently molested my mother so she was sure my dad did it to me. SO, he corners me in the car today, it was like war of the fucking roses. He says he tapped her phone calls and found out she was having an affair with a prominent local grocery owner whose name I will not mention. Now, he after 7 months of lawyers and psychologists and etc… my dad was able to return home. BUT, that’s after the fact that my mom was having an affair. After he tapped the phones he found out what was going on. HE approached said prominent local grocery owner and said “if you don’t stay away from my wife I will tell yours and ruin your life”. Him, thinking this owner might be tied to the mafia made a tape to give to his mother in case anything happened to him. TO give to the police. WOW. But, when my dad said to me “she was fucking another man” that’s when I about lost my shit. If my life hasn’t been a movie already, I am sure it will be.
I really didn’t want to write this but it would hurt me too much inside if I just let it fester. I try to do good. I try to be honest and friendly and open. Yet, it somehow always seems to backfire on me. I haven’t felt this much hurt in such a long time I forgot what it felt like. And honestly, it sucks. It feels like an ulcer mixed with a severed heart mixed in with an ongoing panic attack. I am just fucking naive sometimes. I still believe there’s hope in humanity. I still believe in the kindness of strangers. But, since I am an such an idiot I don’t know how to effectively deal with such situations of anger. I did my best and I still hurt. But, it will heal. I just didn’t want it to be tonight. I just want some peace.
You know what, no. I didn’t want to be put in this position in the first place. I am highly sensitive and also extremely curious. I started opening about my PTSD past and how it still affect me to this day. I noticed that my stuff was also being posted on Tumblr and I have a Tumblr account. I came across this one “tumbl” about ptsd. And it appeared to me the way someone was posting that they were threatening their lives. I have had TOO much traumatization with suicide in my life. I couldn’t bare anymore. I begged myself not to intervene but I couldn’t stop. Long story short, nobody was going to hurt themselves and I am just I don’t want to be feeling this way right now. That’s all. Wrong place, wrong time, always good intentions.