Posts Tagged help

My booooonnnesss they huuuuurt. Yes, I am haunted by the girl that I used to be.

I hate feeling so old. I will be 32 on March 3rd. I feel as if I am nowhere near any of my goals I’ve had in mind for my future. But, on the other hand, when I entered residential treatment I didn’t think I had ANY more fight left in me. Now, I am feeling that strength again. Still not as resilient as I used to be, but, nowhere near as weak and dead as I had been feeling. I just had left hip surgery, the surgeon got rid of this horrid bone spur that had been killing me for YEARS. I couldn’t remember what it felt like to NOT FEEL PAIN. It was a miracle I tell you. However, the ghastly arthritis in my knees is still aching to the bad brittle bone. Sad. Oh well, I will not let that crap get to me like it used to. I don’t see an end anymore, just beginnings in site. I even had this dream that I was a child again, maybe 5 or 6 years old starting first grade. However, in the dream I had all the knowledge I have now but at that age. It really was like I had a chance to start over again.  So, I am just trying to stay positive get through the winter (sad face) and, oh, totally looking forward to sinus surgery in February. I am getting a Septoplasty and Turbinate Reduction surgery. The doctor said I have a bone spur in my nose MY NOSE!! I will be so happy to be able to breathe again and not get drainage caught in my middle ear (feels like I am under water). Oh, yeah, I have a pretty bad deviated septum, again, something I just put a “band aid” on for years. Well, this is the year for preventive care because who knows what’s going to happen with our healthcare coverage in the future.  Anyway, I have been working on my absurd amount of anxiety with my therapist and I still go to IOP three days a week SAMI (Substance Abuse Mental Illness). I have been becoming more aware of my triggers and how to stop them before I get out of control. I have been practicing mindfulness a lot and for the first time in my life I am at peace with my spirituality. I used to not speak of it because others always had such strong views in their faith. I do not have particular faith but I do believe in energy and change. Okay, arthritis is hurting my hands now! Take care, everyone.


Senior High School Pictures lolol  (The lost roll!!)

Senior High School Pictures
(The deleted Roll!!)

Jk, I took those earlier in the evening with my computron.




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Crying optional.

I don’t know where I am fucking safe. Someone just busted into my apartment because i forgot to lock the door. They stole all my psychiatric medications. He threatened me. He said it was this other person who stole my medications. I am still shaking. Even after my PTSD therapy, this TERROR STILL HAPPENS TO ME. I WANT IT TO STOP.

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3. You have bou…

3. You have boundaries

You are probably not accustomed to having boundaries. In fact, many survivors never had boundaries to begin with. A strange gift from the psychopathic experience is that you begin to find these boundaries. Some call it healthy narcissism, but I think self-respect is a better term. The problem is, boundaries & self-respect are completely foreign to you at this point. So when you begin to express these things, you feel like a selfish, abrasive jerk. When in reality, you’ve just stopped playing the role of a selfless doormat.

You may begin to find that old friendships & toxic dynamics fall apart as you become stronger. It almost feels as if you’re being punished for healing. But that’s not the case. You’re not psychopathic or narcissistic for having boundaries and expecting a decent level of respect in return. You’re just a regular human being with feelings. But you may be surrounded by people who don’t want you to be regular— they prefer the person who caters to their every need. So they make you feel bad for taking on healthier habits. This kind of conditioning can make you feel psychopathic and unempathetic, but again, that is not the case. That’s what happens when selfish people stop getting their way. When they fight for the status quo, because the existing dynamic suits them. But it doesn’t suit you, and that’s what boundaries help you realize. Just because you have to tell someone off or demand a bit of respect does not make you psychopathic. It makes you stronger. Every time you stand up for yourself, a part of your spirit comes back to life.

I get so confused sometimes I wonder if I have anti social personality disorder or whatever. Reading this passage made so much sense to me. I am healing I am trying to get away from bad habits. But, today, my dad said “don’t I owe you a 12 pack”. After I had reiterated I wanted to get quit drinking for good. God, give me strength to leave here.  MY next therapist session is on thursday. It’s going to trigger more bad emotions but I HAVE to get through this. 

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can someone on here help me with some things I am not familiar with on wordpress. For instance, posting a playlist. Do I really have to spend 99 dollars to do that?? I am beyond frustrated. 

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“When a person does something bad they should be punished”- Matilda

Fuck this emotional violence. I only stay around here to keep her sane. Yet, I still hear his thunderous roar echo throughout the house. She doesn’t deserve it. I wish I could kill him. But he’s not worth the anger or the pain or my life. All I try to do is help and everything just breaks everywhere I go. 

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I don’t want to be pan handlin’ for attention now..

I would appreciate any comments. Even if it’s just a thumbs up dude  Or a Noway Jose. I would be forever grateful.

Oh, and embarrassing childhood moment. My fragile 7 year old self was left alone in the theater lobby while my parents were still in their grown up movie. I had no change. I wanted to play a video game. So, I went around asking strangers for quarters. I am pretty my older brother put me up to it. I was grabbed by the manager and called a PAN HANDLER. Who says that to a little girl?!? This awesome compassionate manager also dragged my parents out of their movie which was probably overpriced anyway.  People are hopeless sometimes.

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